March 21, 2010

Roller Coaster

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 10:25 pm by Edde Jae

Today I rode a roller coaster of emotions…

I woke up screaming again from yet another nightmare. They feel so real…

I looked in the mirror this morning and was content with what I saw. I put on my red heels…

At church, I felt self-conscious, like all eyes were on me. I considered diving underneath the pew…

The children sang. The sounds of their voices filled me with happiness. I wanted to hug everyone of them. I wished I could hug every child in the world and tell him or her “I love you”…

I connected with close friends at church…

My sister got mad at me for taking my mother’s attention. She still holds a lot of resentment because of things she’s had to see me go through, and for what I put my parents through. She has built up walls to protect herself. I don’t know how to break through them…

When I got home, I hugged my stuffed frog and cried…

I went to a family gathering. Afterwards, I started to feel very overwhelmed…

I looked in the mirror again, and this time I was disgusted with what I saw…

I felt like setting something on fire…

Or driving dangerously fast with my music blasting…

Instead, I decided to eat my feelings…

I tried watching a movie, and was so disturbed by one of the  scenes that I threw the remote at my brother and bolted from the room…

I feel bad about it.

My dad came upstairs to my room to make sure I was ok…

I am alone in my room, listening to Jeff Buckley’s “Hallelujah.” It is calming, like when my dad used to sing “Kumbayah” to me when I was a little girl…

I am ready for this roller coaster to end now. …

I pray the nightmares won’t come back…

And it’s not a cry that you hear at night

It’s not somebody who’s seen the light

It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah…

Hallelujah…

Hal…le…lu…




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6 Comments »

  1. LaBelleDameSansRegret said,

  2. tiffk1023 said,

    The pictures were a really nice touch to this post! And I feel like I’m always on a rollercoaster of emotions….I also realized you have a lot of Christian-related links/posts, especially the two songs you sent me. I don’t know if I’m out of line asking you this, but how are you religion-wise? Like, I’ve grown up in a Christian home and for about the past 4 years I’ve been struggling like none other to keep my head above the water. Especially from your trauma and several instances of my own, I was just wondering how you manage to recover from all this and be able to balance a healthy spiritual life?

  3. Edde said,

    I could definitely write a lot about that! And in no way are you out of line by asking, I’m glad you did! It’s something that has been on my mind a lot and something I’ve struggled with. There was a time, pretty recently, when I seriously doubted whether God was even there. Or I thought that if He was, He had either forgotten about me or that I had made too many mistakes to deserve His love.

    It wasn’t until an experience I had while being kept in the psych ward after my last hospitalization that I realized how wrong I was. Because something went wrong with my insurance, I wound up in the county psych ward… Which is the worst place to be as far as mental hospitalization goes. They had to keep me there for 3 days to make sure I wasn’t going to try to kill myself again… It was miserable. The place was old and smelled funny… Most of the patients really were very disturbed and kind of scary… The food was absolutely horrible… And the staff obviously hated their jobs. I was bored out of my mind with nothing to do but either watch tv or sleep.

    I was lying on my bed at one point, alone in my room. Behind my bed was a window (with bars) that let a little bit of natural light in. I was thinking about everything that I had gone through, and what I was going to do with my life when I finally got out of that place. I was miserable being kept in that place, and wanted to go home so badly. I felt so incredibly alone. Suddenly, the sun broke through the clouds and flooded my room with light. I felt a warm, peaceful feeling like I was being hugged. I felt happiness flow through me that brought tears to my eyes. I hadn’t even asked for it… It just came. I realized at that moment that God was there, and that He had never left me… I had left Him. I was so caught up in my pain and self-destructiveness that there was no way for Him to get through to me for a very long time. Finally at that moment I decided to open my heart back up to Him and let His love and influence back into my life.

    Since then, I have still struggled with my faith and believing He is there. But whenever I start to get really doubtful, something happens that shows me once again that He is real and He has not forsaken me… whether it’s an unexpected note from a friend that comes at just the right time, a beautiful flower that catches my eye, or a feeling of calm reassurance… But it wasn’t until I let go of my anger towards Him, my feeling of “How could you let this happen to me?” that I was able to feel Him there again. As long as I was pushing Him away, He couldn’t help me. Now that I am trying to have a relationship with Him again, I can feel Him helping me along my path to recovery. I couldn’t have come this far in such a short time without Him.

    For so long, I have felt broken. Broken to the point that I didn’t think I deserved love from anyone, especially from God. Then I heard this song… I had actually been introduced to it a long time ago, but had forgotten its message… and it changed my mind… Maybe it will bring some comfort to you too:

    Hang in there. God loves you, and He is there, just waiting for you to come to Him. I know this. I know that no matter what kind of darkness you are in, His light can shine through it. No matter what mistakes you have made, He still loves you as His child. Even if in the midst of all your pain and confusion you can’t feel Him there, know that He will never forsake His children… Sometimes He lets us go through the rough times so we can learn and grow… But if we call out to Him in our darkest hour of need, He will help us to get through it. He won’t always step in and save us from our pain, but He will give us the strength we need to endure it, and, most importantly, to grow from it.

    P.S. I always include you in my prayers. I know you are loved.

  4. tiffk1023 said,

    I feel like I am a Christian and that I do know what’s right and wrong whether or not I decide to input that into my actions. But right now for me it’s more like how do you motivate yourself to act towards serving God especially through all the struggles and frustrations I have with myself. How can I love and serve him when I can’t even love myself? Not to sound arrogant but I used to study the Bible a lot and I feel like I have a lot of knowledge about it but I don’t know what to do with that knowledge and it all seems so far-fetched and irrelevant/unapplicable to my own life. So basically I know that God loves me and cares about me but I feel so detached from it all and the connection from our relationship is near completely broken. I just don’t know how to get myself back to that state of peacefulness and happiness where I was in a good place with everyone and with Him. So yes, I have to come to Him, but I feel no motivation or desire to want to because of how lonely and isolated I’ve felt the past several years. I’m not sure if this made sense and I know you’re going through a lot yourself, but if you ever get the chance to reply to this I would really appreciate it. I guess I’m just really trying to make things right with God, and I feel like you could really help me like you have with some of the other problems I’ve been dealing with.

    • Edde said,

      I can definitely relate to what you’re going through… Would you mind giving me your email so we can talk without having to comment back and forth? My personal email is catterfly_3@yahoo.com, so you can just get it to me that way :)


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