February 26, 2010
Right after I wrote yesterday’s post, I went to see my therapist. During the session I was able to process more of what had happened the night before, as I was still struggling with whether to trust my own opinion of myself or believe someone else’s perspective of who I am. While I just couldn’t believe that I am permanently broken, I was still experiencing doubts about my worth and my chance of recovery. I mean… I know I have things I need to work on, but I don’t want to be made to feel like I’m doomed to forever battling these demons. Like this is who I am and that will never change… If that’s true, why not just give up now? I just couldn’t accept that, but there was still that voice in my head saying “See? It’s true. You’re a horrible, weak person. Someone else doubts your ability to succeed, so you must just be a failure.”
It’s that same voice that leads me to hurt myself, to binge, to run away, to lie, to ultimately give up on myself. It’s that voice that I fight every single day. Sometimes I can make it shut up. Sometimes it screams so loudly I can’t hear anything else. But my therapist helped me see that for the first time… there was another voice in my head that was even louder than this one. It was the voice that said “No, you don’t have to believe that. That’s just his uneducated perspective. You’re better than that. You know who you are. You know you don’t have to give in to self-doubt and self-hatred. You can get better, and you will.”
My therapist helped me see just how far I’ve come. Just a little while ago, an experience like that would have destroyed me. I wouldn’t have been able to stop myself from cutting or maybe something even more drastic. I would have believed those negative things, because I had absolutely no sense of self. But now I do have a sense of who I am, even if it’s just an inkling. At least I have developed enough self-knowledge and self-respect to be able to disagree with someone else’s opinion of me instead of adopting it as my own, as has been my habit for my entire life. That is huge progress for me.