March 3, 2010
Today I Don’t Exist
It’s one of those days I need to be brutally honest. (Not that I haven’t been brutally honest in my previous posts… I’ve certainly never divulged so much in my entire life as I have here in the last couple of weeks… But I guess I just feel a little more vulnerable right now and need to vent).
It has not been the easiest day, and I’m not even sure why… But I’m… Exhausted. I woke up exhausted. It’s hard to even move… There’s a deep ache throughout my entire body that seems to seep into my bones. I’m tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. This last week I’ve done a lot more than I’m used to doing, and I’m still fighting this virus and adjusting to my medication.
After forcing myself to play the piano this morning, hoping that would infuse me with some energy, I collapsed on the bed and waved the white flag of surrender. I don’t know why I feel so overwhelmed today, but I do. I ate way too much (almost to the point of binging… but I was feeling too nauseous to continue), and now I feel even more sick. I’ve barely moved from the couch most of the day, and besides the piano practicing, writing this blog post is the only (semi) productive thing I’ve done today.
I get tired and run down so easily. I hate this. I require a ton of sleep, and then just going about “normal” daily activities exhausts me to the point where I have to rest after everything. I guess it’s all part of the depression, and probably this illness I’ve been fighting, but it’s just getting me down. I’ve also done a lot of emotional work these last few days, and now I just don’t want to think or feel anything.
I’m feeling bad about myself today. I’m not liking the way I look, the way I feel…the nagging, negative voices in my head that won’t shut up. I just want this day to be over. Can I just go to sleep now? I’m praying I wake up feeling better tomorrow. Move on. I’ve been in slumps like this for days… weeks… at a time… and I can’t go there again. Not when I’ve made so much progress.
I’m just going to pretend like today never happened.
The old grey donkey, Eeyore stood by himself in a thistly corner of the Forest, his front feet well apart, his head on one side, and thought about things. Sometimes he thought sadly to himself, “Why?” and sometimes he thought, “Wherefore?” and sometimes he thought, “Inasmuch as which?” and sometimes he didn’t quite know what he was thinking about.
A. A. Milne
From the book Winnie the Pooh