March 13, 2010

Guilt

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , , at 8:57 pm by eddejae

Every now and then, I find the familiar questions emerging to haunt me yet again. They wake me from my sleep. I turn a corner, they slap me in the face. Played out in nightmares. A word, a look, a thought. Spurred on by the pain of regret, I stumble through the murkiness of a thousand questions.

How do you say you’re sorry? Is sorry ever enough?

How do you make amends? Is it even possible?

How do you live with the regret of knowing the pain you’ve caused?

How do you stop torturing yourself with wishing you could change the past?

Can things ever be 100% right again? Or is it too late?

How do you forgive yourself, and move on?

Though I’ve come far, I can’t pretend like these things don’t bother me anymore. They still do. Tremendously. And I haven’t figured out the answers yet, though I hope I’m getting closer. I don’t know. All I know is that I am sorry… Sorry for it all.

Linkin Park – Leave Out All The Rest

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4 Comments »

  1. Lillie said,

    When I feel this way, I notice I have a tendency of wanting to commit suicide. This is a horrible way to feel at times, and one that always can’t be shaken off. I sometimes feel that no matter what I do that I am so heinous I am not worth breathing the same air as those I’ve hurt. I don’t have any answers. Maybe it is forgiveness of oneself and asking forgiveness of others.

  2. Edde said,

    I think forgiving myself is the hardest thing… Even if I’ve already been forgiven by others… It’s almost like feel I don’t deserve to be forgiven, and have the urge to punish myself more. I guess I just need to realize that I have already suffered for the mistakes I’ve made, very much so… And, too, that God forgives me. I just need to have that same love and forgiveness for myself. And that’s the hardest thing… But I’m working on it.

  3. velska said,

    Yes, you got it. It’s not just to repent of whatever you need to, and forgiving others — it’s to forgive oneself, that is sometimes the toughest part.

    In Hebrew Old Testament and in Greek New Testament, the Adversary, the Devil, is called the Slanderer — the Accuser. In Revelation, Satan is “accusing” his brethren day and night before the Father. Into that comes Jesus saying, “behold the blood of him who did no sin…” He pleads before the Father for our sakes, and he accepts us.

    God is not our accuser. We are, or Satan is. I must forgive myself.


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