April 7, 2010

Deep Thoughts Pending

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , , , , , , at 9:57 pm by eddejae

I know I promised to write about “Girl, Interrupted” today, but once I started free-writing about all of the thoughts,memories, and feelings the movie inspired in me, I realized that I had taken on something much bigger and much more important than could be contained in just one blog post. It may take a couple of days to process everything. The movie inspired me to write about my own experiences in various mental hospitals, with doctors and nurses, with fellow patients, and with the ongoing war I have waged against myself. My thoughts and feelings concerning the mental health system, my diagnosis, medication, and my personal experience with BPD and depression run very deep. Expressing such complex ideas in words is a challenge. This is especially true for those things that are still tucked safely away in the dark corners of my mind. It’s time they were dusted off and brought into the light. Stay tuned.

Now for the mundane. I got my last disability check today. Which means I need to reopen my file with the unemployment office so I can get by until I secure a job. I am paying over $300 a month for Cobra insurance (which I won’t have for much longer), in addition to my phone bill, car insurance, therapy (which my insurance won’t cover anymore), copays for visits to the psychiatrist, gas, food, and medical bills. Plus I’m responsible for about half the cost of my prescriptions, neither of which are cheap. Needless to say, I’m a little stressed. Especially since I just found out that my insurance denied one of my stays at the hospital. I have already paid $3,000 and I will be responsible for an additional $4,000. I am clueless as to what to do at this point. I simply do not have the money. I’m praying everything will work out somehow.

Besides all of that, I’m doing alright. I’ve felt pretty stable and low-key the last few days. No major downs, no major ups either. I’m looking forward to the day when I can just relax and stop worrying about the future. I used to be highly adverse to the idea of “settling down,” mistakenly believing that life would be most fulfilling if it were full of constant change and excitement, with nothing and no one  “holding you down” or keeping you in one place. I don’t feel that way anymore. Sure, I like change. I like adventure and spontaneity. But I don’t want to push away people and throw off all restraints in pursuit of a false freedom. I want to get to the point where I don’t have to run away from home, from people, from myself. To be comfortable enough with myself to enjoy staying in one place for a while, with one person, doing what I love the most – writing and music. Now that is freedom – loving, being loved, living for someone else than just yourself, devoted to your passion, enjoying whatever life brings you.

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