April 15, 2010

Absolution

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , , , , , at 1:17 am by eddejae

Trapped in a prison built by betraying hands,

Brick by burdensome brick.

My mind, traitor to my abandoned heart,

Slave to a captor concealed –

Cruel taskmaster brandishing whip unseen,

But felt with every serpent-like sting –

Tiring arms aching,

Hunching back breaking,

Pleading for the abiding asylum of death.

Tick…Tock… Tick… Talk…

Talk… Talk…. Talking…

Ceaseless talking of sing-song voices

Creeping in with winter night’s chill,

Cracking the concrete silence.

Slip… Slip… Slipping…

Senses swiftly slipping and sliding

Into a murky sea of suspicion and suspense.

Blood-stained fingernails tear

Frantically at four unyielding palisades –

Crimson blood reminds me that life

Yet runs relentless through each vein.

A splinter of light slices through the blackness –

One suggestive breach in the barricade,

The two-faced fortress cloistering me from the world,

Safeguarding an unsuspecting world from me.

Peering through the porthole to that alternate reality:

A flashback from a forgotten existence made flesh…

One face.

Mere footsteps away and yet a lifetime apart,

As close as my heartbeat, as far as the stars.

You cannot see me here in my solitary cell,

Yet I know you feel my piercing, sunlight-starved eyes

Sifting softly through the unspoken secrets of your soul.

One smile, one glance, one sincere utterance,

And without warning, the cleft in the facade

Cracks open just an inch more, taunting me

To pry at the edges with bruised and burning fingertips.

A triangle of radiance paints itself on the opposite wall,

A breath of blossom-tinted breeze satiates my thirsty lungs.

The schism in my shelter of suffering is still

Too slight to squeeze through, and, disheartened,

No – furious! I pound my tight-clenched fists,

Beating myself against the blood-stained bricks

Against the cursed lies, the sordid secrets, the broken vows.

I fabricated this suffocating prison, my strength and will

Brutally born of hate, of anger, of pain –

Where is my power now to shatter it’s very frame?

I wail aloud and in spirit, tearing beast-like at my hair.

And Sink….Sink…Sinking…

Into an absymal void of despair.

Phantasms of the raging flames of hell

Consume my cluttered brain –

Demon fear incarnate mutters

That you will leave me here alone,

Dismiss my illusive phantom-like presence,

Forget you heard me, perhaps even loved me…

I, the shadow of a shattered dream.

I cannot bear to witness through my window

A paradise I may never know.

I cannot endure you walking away,

Fading into the hopeless horizon,

Wishing to hold you forever in my gaze.

I cradle my head in empty and aching arms,

Drowning in my loneliness and shame.

Then, as subtle and soft as an echo from afar,

I hear you call my name –

Once. But no… But yes! And once again.

Tears of redemption making rivers down my face,

I drag myself up to the once- impenetrable barrier…

You are standing there still, unwavering, waiting for me.

Inspired anew with yet-hesitant hope and timid longing,

I close my sun-stunned eyes, and whisper an

Imperfect prayer sincere.

For seeming centuries, I search my heart, my soul –

I reach my hands into the welcoming light,

Breathe in the life-awakening crispness of

Air washed clean by April rains,

And remember. And forget.

Forgive. Find. Let go. Catch. Lose. Regain…

And finally…love.

The suffocating bricks crumble around my feet,

Baring my pale head to the firmament above.

Glory envelops me –

I gasp in the first breath of new life,

And Run…Run…Running…

Feet barely realizing the ground –

Soaring straight into your outstretched arms,

Once empty, now forever filled

By everything that I am and will be…

I am free.

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