April 16, 2010

Psych Ward ~ Conclusion

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , , , , , , at 9:14 pm by eddejae

Sigh.

I had to let that all out and put it away to rest forever.

I will never forget it, but I have put the pain, the anger, and the confusion into something concrete.

And now I can put it away.

Many bad things happened, but some good things as well. I met people I will never forget. Learned lessons I couldn’t learn any other way. Lost part of myself, but found parts of myself I didn’t know existed.

Ultimately, I grew from these experiences.

I’ll take the good, and leave the bad.

I’ll never forget the friends I made.

I still pray for them.

I will always remember what they taught me about love, about life, about myself.

And that’s what I will keep.

“They were not perfect, but they were my friends. Some I’ve seen… Some, never again. But there isn’t a day my heart doesn’t find them.” ~Susanna, Girl Interrupted


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6 Comments »

  1. markbyrd said,

    May GOD Bless!!! Mark

  2. Velska said,

    The personality disorder maze is fantastic, really — after I’d read up on them, I never saw a normal person again.

    But yeah, I had a shrink in 2001 tell me that I’m just lazy and I should get a grip. I tried to say it’s difficult to get a grip, when you don’t know where your nightmares end and reality begins. They told me to go to this outpatient group every morning at 8 AM? I tried to tell them if I were able to get up and around to be anywhere at 8 AM, I’d be going to work, not to a nut house.

    Most of the patients seemed more like human beings than most other people; and we would be talking about “us crazies” or something like that.

    What I think really saved my life was actually feeling the love of God. I didn’t use to dare be vulnerable before, and that’s likely what exacerbated my sleeping disorders, anxiety and ultimately debilitating depression. I learned some interpersonal skills, but mainly I lost the need to pretend being perfect.

    The worst feeling after all was the lack of feeling, being so numb that nothing felt like anything — except the anxiety and horror of the nightmares I would only wake up from after years of them.

    Peace.

    • Edde said,

      It’s good to know that other people can relate to what I’ve felt/do feel at times. Thank you.

  3. Hi Eddie:

    You’re blog is beautiful and I’d like to follow it. I was diagnosed BPD 10 years ago at 25 and was hospitalized at 30! I have not cut myself but I’ve had terrible tantrums and have been violent. I’ve come close to suicide. I know the drill. I’m a published poet now. I’ve been writing – always wanted to do theatre and write. Recently found out a woman who is a poet just commit suicide. I urge you to stay cool. You’ve got life and it will support you if you just be patient with yourself and you’ll find yourself and get stronger. I think you’re a writer and an artist from all the wonderful feeling and creativity and magic I see here. So beautiful. Keep doing what you are doing with this. And every time you feel an urge to hurt, to lose yourself go back to doing something that you love. It’s the best medicine and remember to be patient too.

    • Edde said,

      Thank you Sonia. I’d like to follow your blog as well.

      I so admire the fact that you have followed your dreams and what makes you happy. That is my goal too. I love writing, and I love theatre as well and want to start acting again. You are an inspiration.

      Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. You have no idea how much it means to me that I am seen and heard – for so long I felt invisible.

      I will work on that patience part 😉 Take care Sonia. God bless.


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