April 18, 2010
General Ramblings with a Comical Conclusion
Today felt rather odd. I’m still reeling from the sickening migraine that kept me up all night. The pain is still there, but not as intensely – rather, hovering just over my right temple, waiting to strike the moment I squint too much at the computer screen, hold my neck the wrong way, or go too long without a drink of water. I get migraines about once a week, and I used to be able to take Imitrex, which would take it away within an hour. Now, because of my psychotropic meds, I can’t take Imitrex anymore, so I have to suffer. Over-the-counter drugs don’t do a darn thing.
Anyways, my emotions have been a bit on edge today. Something happened to one of my extended family members that was extremely shocking and disturbing, so I’m sure that accounts for much of the anxiety – even though I think my emotions in shock because I don’t feel anything… Not hurt, not anger, nothing. Possibly a defense mechanism? I blogged about it anyways, just to avoid an emotional explosion later (here’s hoping), and then password-protected it because the topic is still so sensitive for our family.
There have also been other thoughts and feelings mulling around in my head and causing me stress, so I came up with a system that would allow me to “compartmentalize” my worries and concerns. On my computer desktop I created what I call a “File Box” with subfolders labeled everything from Family to Job to Blog to Therapy – everything that I spend time on, focus on, issues I’m concerned about, goals for the future, projects I’m working on, etc. – pretty much anything that goes through my mind during the day. That way, whenever a thought comes up, or a feeling that I need to work through, or even just an idea – I have somewhere to put it instead of letting everything constantly build up to the point where I get anxious. Even if I can’t think about it/fix it/work on it right in that moment, I can put it in my “file box” to be pulled out and looked at later. I believe this will really work for me. It will help me to concentrate on one thing at a time and keep track of where most of my thoughts and feelings “pile up,” which will let me identify the areas in my life that need to be concentrated on during therapy sessions and through blogging.
Had another “friend” incident, this one also involving Facebook (my “real-life” Facebook profile, not the one linked to this blog, which is mainly for networking and advocacy). I swear I am getting so sick and tired of Facebook drama. (And of Facebook in general. I’m down to 80 friends and if I find I can delete more, I will. Really, there are only a handful of people I communicate with regularly on the site and who ever comment on my profile. So it doesn’t make much of a difference anyways). As I was saying…this friend and I have a bit of a past. Nothing really bad happened – we started off as just friends, but then he decided he was in love with me. We wound up going on a couple dates and spent a lot of time together, but I told him I wasn’t interested in a relationship. Nevertheless he started to get very jealous and possessive, which led me to eventually start avoiding him. He got hurt over the whole thing, and though we are still Facebook friends, we haven’t talked for months – until a couple nights ago. I’m not going to get into the details of the conversation, but basically he said that he missed our friendship and wanted to take me out for sushi. I have to confess – I felt pressured, was worried about hurting his feelings, and therefore, said yes. Well, this was a couple days ago, and ever since then I’ve had this really uneasy feeling about having him as a friend. It would be one thing if we didn’t have a history – but we do. And I can tell he still likes me. I just don’t want that drama, and I feel that by communicating with him again I’d just be opening up a can of worms. Plus, I’d probably wind up having to break his heart all over again. So I decided that the best thing to do would be to write him a nice, hand-written letter explaining the situation and how I think it would be better for both of us to just go our separate ways. I plan to delete him as a Facebook friend as well, to avoid any kind of backlash or awkwardness. I feel at peace with this decision and the uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach is gone!
Last Friday I gave my therapist a folder with some of my poems, as she had expressed a strong interest in reading them. I also gave her a copy of my April 9 blog post to help her understand a little more about who I am and how I think. I received an email from her today that really meant a lot to me, and I want to share it here:
I have spent the past 24 hours reading and re-reading your poetry. To say that you are talented, would in my opinion, be a major understatement. I am honored that you would share such deeply personal aspects of yourself with me. You have a voice, wise beyond your years, which highlights your intense range of emotion. For me, Borderline P.D. has always meant a framework from which to view the individual, vs. a label or diagnosis. I think we are a society quick to label/diagnosis those different from us, because it makes us inherently feel better about whom we are. I hope that in your journey, you will begin to see yourself for the talented, creative individual you are, vs. the “sick little girl” so many have labeled you in the past. You have a gift, not an illness. In our time together I hope that I can help you to focus those less adaptive parts of you, so they help you flourish, not stagnate. If you can begin to shift your perspective from all that you “can’t” to all that you “can”…I think you will find the peace, serenity and success that have eluded you thus far. It all begins with willingness… Are you willing to feel, even when it seems scary or overwhelming? If so, how can you channel those difficult emotions into something powerful? I hope that our work together will open the doors to new possibilities and understanding for you.
Can I just say I love my therapist?
Lastly, as a follow up to yesterday’s blogging shenanigans, I simply must post this video. Made my day 😉