April 20, 2010

Never Good Enough

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 4:28 pm by eddejae

These videos hit close to home…

I don’t know whether to cry or be angry…

Or what.

It’s all so confusing to me still… I have yet to get to the point where I’m comfortable in my own skin.

It seems such a daunting goal.

Will I ever reach it? Will the negative self-talk ever go away? The self-loathing? The hiding?

And will society ever let women be real?

I don’t know…. I don’t know.

Video #1

This next video made me think of my sister, who’s 12. She’s very thin, but she has a slightly more curvy body shape than some of her friends who still have very “little girlish” bodies… So, she thinks she needs to lose weight. I’m afraid of her becoming obsessive about it. I’m afraid of her becoming like me.

I don’t think we realize how what we say to young girls can affect them for a lifetime and that they are likely to model the kind of behavior they see in women they look up to.

I’ve felt bad about my body since I was eight years old.

My goal was to be a prima ballerina. I went to ballets. I watched. I saw how skinny those beautiful ballerinas were – so skinny they were basically bone and skin.

I compared myself to them. And to the other little girls in my ballet classes.

I didn’t have an ounce of fat on me, but I had a very large rib cage that stuck out. It was just ribs and skin, but it created a bit of an odd shape. None of the other girls had ribs like that. So, I thought I was fat. Didn’t help that my ballet teacher emphasized again and again the importance of having a certain “look” to our future success as dancers.

If it’s not weight, it’s something else.

At ten, I was made fun of for having to wear glasses. Somehow that made me an unlovable “nerd.”

Through junior high, I was actually taunted for being “short.” Or rather, shortER than my other girl friends.

In high school, I was so self-conscious about my acne that I wouldn’t leave the house unless forced.

At 16, I became anorexic.

My dance teacher told me that my calves were too large.

I gained some weight in college, and finally went through puberty, which had been delayed by my eating disorder. People who knew me when I was 85 pounds would make snide remarks such as “Filled out have we?” which I interpreted as “Boy, you’re fat now!”

So, I became bulimic.

I could give you a hundred examples of the social pressure I’ve experienced to look a certain way. Now my sister is going through it. Friends, teachers, the media… You can’t go anywhere without being reminded that you are “imperfect” in some way.

It’s horribly destructive.

Video #2

Last one…Video #3

This last video made me cry….

That’s…

Me.

…Will it always be?

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1 Comment »

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