May 31, 2010

Ordinary Day

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 11:56 pm by eddejae

*Dedicated to Lydia… Thank you my dear friend :)*

This is just an ordinary day
Wipe the insecurities away
I can see that the darkness will erode
Looking out the corner of my eye
I can see that the sunshine will explode
Far across the desert in the sky

Beautiful girl
Won’t you be my inspiration?
Beautiful girl
Don’t you throw your love around
What in the world, what in the world
Could ever come between us?
Beautiful girl, beautiful girl
I’ll never let you down
Won’t let you down

This is the beginning of your day
Life is more intricate than it seems
Always be yourself along the way
Living through the spirit of your dreams

Beautiful girl
Won’t you be my inspiration?
Beautiful girl
Don’t you throw your love around
What in the world, what in the world
Could ever come between us?
Beautiful girl, beautiful girl
I’ll never let you down
Won’t let you down
Down, down…

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a child of God.  Your playing small does not serve the world.  There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.  We are all meant to shine, as children do.  We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.  It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.  And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.  ~Marianne Williamson

A true friend is not only there for us, but also teaches us how to be there for ourselves. ~Me… 🙂


May 25, 2010

The Princess and the Snake

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , , , at 11:40 pm by eddejae

I wrote this about four years ago for my little sister, then eight years old, during a time where BPD had a very strong grip on my life. I had been away at school, so she did not see much of what went on, but when my parents decided to bring me home in an effort to help me get my life back together, the sometimes harsh reality of what it meant to be my sister started to take its toll on her impressionable mind. For this I felt guilty… And still do. She has seen so much more than a little girl should…been faced with much more worry and stress than she deserves. All because of me… Or maybe I should say… BPD. I still feel badly about it. I still wonder if there is ever anything I can do to make amends. I wonder if I have scarred her for life. Anyways, back in 2006 I had hopes that this mysterious force that led me towards something resembling insanity would somehow disappear. That I would be made free. That I would wake up one day and all of this confusion and misery would be gone. That I could just say to it “Go away!” and magically it would vanish. I suppose this story reflects the hope I still clung too as well a hearty dose of naivety. Little did I know that it would be years before I would even identify, let alone begin to heal from, this monster that terrorized my life and the lives of those around me.

This story is called “The Princess and the Snake”…

Once upon a time there were two beautiful princesses. One was almost grown-up and the other still quite a little princess but very grown-up in her ways. They lived in a beautiful castle with their loving parents, the King and Queen, and their two silly prince brothers. They were all happy and had lots of adventures together, and the two princess sisters were the best of friends.

One day the oldest princess, whose name was Princess Edde, told her younger sister, the Princess Emily, that she was going far, far away to the land of Provo and would stay there for a long, long time. Princess Emily was sad. “Why do you have to go far away?” she asked. “So I can go to school and learn about how to be a Queen someday,” said Princess Edde. “But I will be back in the summer.” She hugged and kissed the little princess and rode off in her carriage to the faraway land.

Princess Emily missed her big sister and best friend. She thought about her all the time. She thought about her when she put her dolls to sleep. She thought about her when she watched her favorite movie, The Little Princess, and when the Queen made snickerdoodle cookies, which were Princess Edde’s favorite.

Princess Edde missed Princess Emily too. Even though her school in the faraway land kept her very busy, she thought about Princess Emily all the time. She thought about her when she walked through the children’s section in the library. She thought about her when she ate lunch at the cafeteria. She thought about her when she dressed up for a dance, and when she saw pretty girls with blond hair that looked just like Princess Emily.

Finally, summer came, and Princess Edde returned. Everyone in the palace was so happy! “She’s more grown-up and busy a lot,” thought Princess Emily, “But she’s still fun to play with!”

Summer ended, and it was time for Princess Edde to return to the land of Provo. “I’ll be back in summer again! Be good Princess Emily!”

So another year passed, and the whole time the two princess sisters thought about each other. Princess Edde came home again the next summer, and it was a lot like the summer before. Everyone was happy, and they had many adventures.

But the next time Princess Edde came home was very different. As she stepped out of the carriage to greet the King, Queen, prince brothers, and prince sister, everybody gasped. Around Princess Edde’s neck was a humongous snake. Its green scales glittered in the sunlight, and its eyes were like two big red rubies. It looked at everyone, one at a time, and hissed a loud “HSSSSSS,” its long slimy tongue going in and out. Princess Emily screamed, “Get it off! Get it off!” But Princess Edde sighed and said, “Oh don’t be such a scaredy-cat. It’s a nice snake. It won’t hurt you. Some people I met in the land of Provo gave it to me, and I like it. I feed it and take care of it, so its getting even bigger and stronger—soon I won’t be able to carry it anymore! Then I’ll be sad, because my snake and I are the best of friends.”

As Princess Emily listened to her sister, her face got sad. She had a feeling Princess Edde wasn’t going to be much fun anymore. But, she would try to be happy anyways and have fun with her sister… but, she didn’t want to go anywhere near that ugly snake. She wanted to scream really loud and scare it away, but she kept her mouth shut. Princess Edde liked it, and Princess Emily knew that nothing she could do would make her give up the snake.

But she sure wished her sister would. The snake was nothing but trouble, and Princess Emily couldn’t understand why her sister wanted it. It would slide all around her and whisper things in her ear that made her sad and angry. Sometimes the snake told her to do things that the old Princess Edde never would have done—like getting frustrated at everybody and even yelling at Princess Emily sometimes. It made Princess Edde sad and very upset at herself, but still she wouldn’t get rid of the snake. She did everything it said and believed everything it told her. Her eyes became sad, and she walked slowly because the snake was so heavy on her shoulders.

The Queen worked especially hard to convince Princess Edde to kill the snake. Sometimes, Princess Edde would listen to her and understand that she needed to get rid of the snake once and for all. So she would throw it on the ground in front of the Queen and kick it. But, when the Queen left, Princess Edde would feel bad for the snake, and pick it up again.

One day, the snake was tired and wasn’t whispering very much in the Princess Edde’s ear, so Princess Edde wasn’t feeling too sad. Not having to worry as much about the snake, she walked around the palace looking for the Princess Emily. Hearing her voice in the royal kitchen, she poked her head in the door. Standing with their backs to the door were Princess Emily and the Queen. “Mommy Queen,” said Princess Emily, with tears in her eyes. “I miss Princess Edde. I wish she were happy.” “Me too,” said the Queen, “But she won’t be happy and fun anymore until she kills that evil snake.” “I wish she would,” Princess Emily replied, “Then we could have fun again and the palace would be a much happier place for everybody.”

Princess Edde, after hearing this, walked to her tower in the castle and looked out over the land. She looked and she thought for a long, long time. As she stood there, the snake started to whisper again. The whispering got louder, and the snake became heavier. Princess Edde thought of Princess Emily. She thought of the Queen. She thought of the King. She thought of her prince brothers. She thought of her friends, the ones in the kingdom and the ones in distant lands. She thought about books, and music, and dancing. She thought about everything really hard. Suddenly, with a tremendous shrug, she threw the snake onto the floor.

“What are you doing to me?” the snake hissed. “I am your friend. I tell you the truth about yourself.” “You are a liar,” said Princess Edde, “And everything you tell me are lies. They make me sad. I want to be happy. I want to play with Princess Emily again. And you are not going to stop me.” The snake’s eyes burned bright, and it coiled as if ready to strike. But before it could, Princess Edde grabbed it by the tail and threw it as hard as she could out of the window—the snake fell, down, down, down and hit the ground. It was dead.

Princess Edde had never felt so free! The heavy, horrible snake was no longer on her neck. She could run and play again! Quickly she ran around the palace calling “Princess Emily! Princess Emily!” Finally she found her putting her dolls to bed. “Princess Emily!” she exclaimed, “The snake is gone! I killed it!” Princess Emily jumped up and down for joy, and both princesses danced around the room and sang. “Does this mean we can play again? Does this mean you’ll be happy again?” asked Princess Emily. “Yes!” said Princess Edde, “What will our next adventure be?”

So peace and happiness returned to the castle. And the two princesses were once again, the best of friends.

Me and Emily… 2004

May 24, 2010

It’s Me…

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , , , , , , at 1:08 am by eddejae

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn’t quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet. ~Sylvia Plath

I am not the person who is singing
I am the silent one inside
I am not the one who laughs at people’s jokes
I just pacify their egos
I am not my house, my car, my songs
They are only just stops along my way
I am like the winter
I’m a dark cold female
With a golden ring of wisdom in my cave

And it is me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence

I am carrying my voice
I am carrying my heart
I am carrying my rhythm
I am carrying my prayers
But you can’t kill my spirit
It’s soaring and it’s strong
Like a mountain
I’ll go on and on
But when my wings are folded
The brightly colored moth
Blends into the dirt into the ground

And it’s me who’s too weak
And it’s me who’s too shy
To ask for the thing I love
And it’s me who’s too weak
And it’s me who’s too shy
To ask for the thing I love
That I love

I am walking on the bridge
I am over the water
And I’m scared as hell
But I know there’s something better
Yes I know there’s something
Yes I know, I know, yes I know

That I love

But it’s me
And it’s me
But it’s me

Hoping for the Sea

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , at 12:03 am by eddejae

Dedicated to Fia…

Smile, though your heart is aching

Smile, even though it’s breaking

When there are clouds in the sky

You’ll get by…

If you smile

With your fear and sorrow

Smile and maybe tomorrow

You’ll find that life is still worthwhile

If you just…

Light up your face with gladness

Hide every trace of sadness

Although a tear may be ever so near

That’s the time you must keep on trying

Smile, what’s the use of crying

You’ll find that life is still worthwhile

If you just…

Smile, though your heart is aching

Smile, even though it’s breaking

When there are clouds in the sky

You’ll get by…

If you smile

Through your fear and sorrow

Smile and maybe tomorrow

You’ll find that life is still worthwhile

If you just smile…

That’s the time you must keep on trying

Smile, what’s the use of crying

You’ll find that life is still worthwhile

If you just smile…

May 22, 2010

Anything You Want to Say?…

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , , at 2:40 pm by eddejae

More and more, I find that words are simply inadequate. As emotions become more complicated, as situations increase in their complexity, as life grows layer upon layer upon layer…

Words lose their power.

So I find myself turning to music and to art to express what I cannot say…

Fleeting images and sounds strung together impress upon the soul in an indelible way tongue-formed syllables never will…

I don’t give a damn about the castle on the hill,
All the gold that we could eat, or the horse you had for sale,
No I’m getting kinda rich on the side of any soul alive.
I don’t give a damn if I’m running from the law
When my moneys not enough and they come and take it all,
No I’m getting kinda rich on the side of any soul alive.

Have you heard the Mona Lisa
Have you heard who you are
You’re a new morning
You’re a new morning

Wanna be ok when I’m sitting here alone,

Not just thinking of the ways that I could have done it wrong,

No I’m getting kinda rich on the side of any soul alive.

Have you heard the Mona Lisa
Have you heard who you are
You’re a new moring
You’re a new morning
You’re a new morning

Now, you’re a new morning now
Have you heard my Mona Lisa
Have you heard who you are
You’re a new morning
You’re a new morning
You’re a new morning

Now, you’re a new morning now

May 18, 2010

Edde’s Escapades

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 2:03 am by eddejae

I just thought I would share with my readers some of the fun, kooky, and random miniature adventures I have had these last few days despite the minute-by-minute battle with depression that has truly been the weekend’s underlying theme. No matter what, I know that I can always find something shiny to pull out of the muck. Even when I feel like the world is falling apart around me, somehow a little bit of light breaks through somewhere and I can find the humor, the beauty, or merely the strange irony in a tiny slice of life. All it takes looking at things differently, even if it means going a bit cross-eyed in the process..


Todd picked me up in the evening. We grabbed some Taco Bell (yes, we are occasionally junk food junkies when necessity demands it or the undeniable craving strikes…) and drove out to his grandparents house to pick up his ’64 Fairlane, which in my opinion, is the hottest classic car in existence (and which I eventually convinced him to let me drive a few miles).

Not to mention that he has installed an incredible sound system that puts my Hyundai’s pathetic little speakers to shame… oh… and the bench seats are quite conducive to cuddling. 🙂

Our music tastes usually lean towards either a mixture of jazz, classical, and musical theatre (Frank Sinatra, Michael Buble, Josh Groban, showtunes, etc) or various alternative rock bands, but this evening was different. Inspired by the capacities of the sound system, the general awesomeness of our vehicle, and the warm summer night, we put together a playlist of hip-hop, R&B, and reggaeton and cranked up the bass. Unable to keep myself from moving to the heavy, sensual beat, I let myself go… Well, as much as I could sitting down in a car! Bopping my head back and forth, moving my arms and shoulders to the beat, swaying my hips ever so slightly, I lost myself in the mood of the music and the wind whipping my hair across my face as Todd and I sped through the softly spice scented summer air.

And I discovered my new favorite dancing song… But dang it’s hard to do reggaeton moves sitting down…

Though driving the Fairlane is rewarding in and of itself, our ulterior motive in retrieving it from the grandparents’ house was to take it to the drive-in theatre to see Iron Man 2. The movie was thoroughly enjoyable, though in my opinion not as well-done nor memorable as the first (as is the case with sequels more often than not). However, what I took away from that night had nothing to do with the star-studded cast, the classic car, or the perfect night. As we waited for the movie to start, Todd and I walked hand in hand to the snack bar to find the restroom. Outside of the anachronistic, 70s style snack bar with its lovably pathetic attempt at a carnival atmosphere was a small sandbox with a swing set. Now, where there is a swing, there will be an Edde. I love the childlike thrill of swinging. To me, it will always be the closest I can get to flying. (Unless someone can convince me to go sky diving…the possibility of which I am still debating…). Smiling his “Of course you would” smile, Todd came up behind me and gave me a push. “Higher! Higher!” I demanded until I squealed “Stop!” as I realized if he pushed me any higher I would be doing an involuntary front flip over the bars followed by a most painful ostrich imitation.

“Hey Todd, when we have our own house someday, promise me we’ll have a swing set?”

“Of course, always.”


This morning I donned a pair of knee-high socks. Silly socks? Perhaps. Fan-freakin-tastic socks? Heck yes.

Todd and I went to Hot Topic. Yes, I shop at Hot Topic. Another quirky fact about Edde. Here are the fun things that I bought there (sorry the picture is a bit out of focus)…

We had a barbeque for my brother’s 18th birthday/high school graduation. My brother, Todd, and I ditched early and drove up to old downtown Placerville. I had a hankering to visit the Old Tyme Candy Store to add to my collection of weird and unique candy. This place has pretty much any candy you can think of. I didn’t buy much due to lack of funds, but here is my collection thus far and I hope to add to it significantly as time goes on…

(From left to right: E.frutti Gummi Pizza, Bubble Gum Pop Rocks, WackoWax Mr. Stache, Pixy Stix, Watermelon Sour Flush, Blue Razz Pop Rocks, WackWax Fangs, Captain Davy Jones Pez Dispenser, Pulparindo, Cotton Candy Pop Rocks, Jelly Belly Pet Tarantula, Tequila Flavor Hotlix with Worm, Gummy BooBoos Bandages, Lucky Lights, Salt N’ Vinegar Crickettes)

Intrigued, I also picked this up…


According to the label, this beverage:

“Helps relieve extreme mental overload.”

“Gets rid of all the garbage they’ve been they’ve been dumping in your mind.” (Yes, “they’ve been” is repeated on purpose…)

This drink is intended to be used “For a change of mind” and also states “We want you for life” and “This maybe be your only way out!”

Also, it reads…


And now, ladies and gentleman, for the ingredients…

FORMULA NO. 8: CARBONATED WATER, HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP, CITRIC ACID, CAFFEINE, NATURAL & ARTIFICIAL FLAVORS, RED #40, HERBAL BLEND consisting of: American, Siberian and Korean Ginseng, African Capsicum, Buchu, Echinacea, Jalapeno Oil, Ginkgo Biloba, Ginger, Gotu Kola, Kola Nut, Brazilian Guarana, Skullcap (Mad Dog Weed), Clove, Damiana, Sage, Sodium Benzoate to preserve taste.

Now I don’t know about you, but to me this sounds more like a brain-blowing concoction than a brain-washing one. Unless by brain-washing you mean causing your brain matter to transform into goo and melt out your ears leaving the inside of your skull squeaky clean…

Mad Dog Weed eh?…

Maybe I’d better hold on to this one as a collector’s item…

After spending an hour goofing around in the candy store, we walked outside to find a street performer playing with fire. A wanna-be pyro myself,  I was entranced by his antics. I am definitely learning how to do this someday…

To my ecstatic delight, someone had left chalk lying on the sidewalk. Naturally, I helped myself.

That night Todd and I watched the movie musical Rent. I have always loved Rent. I had the opportunity to see it live in San Francisco in October of last year and it was one of the greatest experiences of my life. The movie is wonderful, but the actual stage musical is truly breathtaking. The message of this beautiful work of art is moving and meaningful no matter who you are or what your background is. When Roger held Mimi in his arms as she lay dying and sang the song “Your Eyes,” Todd and I both cried. It was a special moment of tender emotion that we were able to share together and that I will never forget.

People often say that ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder,’ and I say that the most liberating thing about beauty is realizing that you are the beholder. This empowers us to find beauty in places where others have not dared to look, including inside ourselves. ~Salma Hayek

May 17, 2010

Letting Life Unfold (Today’s Daily OM)

Posted in recovery tagged , , , at 8:40 pm by eddejae

Thanks to Aimee for sharing this with me from… I especially needed this boost today.

Letting Life Unfold: Present in the Progression

Try to allow your life to unfold like a flower rather than worrying and making predictions which cause stress.

“Our lives are guided by natural rhythms that are particular to each of us and cannot be altered by force of will alone. Life itself is a journey made up of processes and events that manifest before us only to be swept away when time marches on. Whether we envision ourselves creating a career, building a family, or developing the self, we instinctively know when the time has come for us to realize our dreams because all that is involved comes together harmoniously. When the time is right, the passage of destiny cannot be blocked. Yet as desperate as we are to touch these beautiful futures we have imagined, we cannot grow if we are not fully present in the evolutionary experience. The present can be challenging, uncomfortable, and tedious, but life unfolds as it will, and the universe will wait patiently as we make our way into the unknown.

The fate that awaits us is not dependent on our pace, which was preordained before we ever appeared in human guise. Therefore there is no reason to rush through life to reach those pinnacles of development associated with the paths we have chosen. Enjoying and fully experiencing the journey of life is as important as achieving goals and reaching milestones. There are lessons we can learn during those moments that seem immaterial or insignificant that we cannot learn at any other time. Appreciating these takes patience, however, because human beings tend to focus on the fulfillment of expectations rather than the simple joys of being.

Like many people, you have no doubt longed for a device that would give you the power to fast forward through certain periods of your existence. Yet haste is by its very nature vastly more stressful than serene fortitude. When you feel yourself growing impatient because the pace of your development is deceptively slow, remember that everything that will occur in your life will occur in its own time. Quelling your urge to rush will enable you to witness yourself learning, changing, and becoming stronger. There is so much to see and do in between the events and processes that we deem definitive. If you are patient enough to take pleasure in your existence’s unfolding, the journey from one pinnacle to the next will seem to take no time at all.”

Her Wings

Posted in recovery tagged , at 5:07 pm by eddejae

Her Wings ~ Mr. J. Medeiros

She walk like she got headphones, rockin Aretha
Lady of light, type you like to speak to
Hard to read, sort of speaks like a drink of water
Far from a leaf though it’s hard being the king’s daughter
Not really into order but her expectations call for a man to be strong
Plus patience, see you can admire the flower
But understand, you dealing with a woman in a higher power
And my father in Heaven musta gave her the Earth
Cuz the money don’t impress me, yo she know what she worth
And she knows me birth, she can feel it
Went through too much hurt to conceal it
It’s not what she say, it’s the way she reveals it
And now the world wanna steal it
That spirit in which her body’s a home to
Sorry world, she’s outgrown you

Outta the gates to the wild blue
Sky’s too great, she gotta escape, fly through
With a smile too, kinda remind you
You gotta look ahead and not behind you
She said starin at the sun won’t blind you
It’s just a lie used by the world to confine you
But I know a place they won’t find you
And if you believe, you can fly like I do

Absolutely beautiful, the type that make you feel unsuitable
She’s uncommon, ain’t nothing about her usual
If you’da known her before the transition
You’d be amazed by the change man, listen
She used to go from this one to that one
To feel complete, she looked for men to make it happen
Until she started askin, if all things in this world should pass
Show me somethin that’s everlastin
That’s when she met true love, not the word but the action
Takin her to way back when she was Eve in the garden of Eden
Before the apple was eaten, before she used to be the Queen of Clubs
Now it seems she’s a wild card, born again, child of God
With a style a little odd for any normal man to marry
But she fits in just fine with the revolutionaries

Outta the gates to the wild blue
Sky’s too great, she gotta escape, fly through
With a smile too, kinda remind you
You gotta look ahead and not behind you
She said starin at the sun won’t blind you
It’s just a lie used by the world to confine you
But I know a place they won’t find you
And if you believe, you can fly like I do

The Fly

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , at 12:20 am by eddejae

An innocuous fly trapped in a

Grimy, cracked mayonnaise jar,

Thrashing its nervous, fragile frame,

Increasingly battered, against

The blemished glass –

Up, down, left, right,

Backwards, frontwards, sideways.

Despite the futility of its perpetual movement,

It goes on and on and on, unstoppable,

Though it knows not quite why or what for.

Dizzy, dumbfounded, disoriented,

Racked with spasms and mind-numbing panic,

Mind frozen in a monotonous state of confusion.

The universe on the breathable dimension of the

Deceptive doorway to freedom is unreachable –

Yet, this fact, ungrasped by the miniscule brain

Of the miniature fly with a million eyes wide shut,

Continues its frenzied dance as liberty

Dangles, cruelly tantalizing, on an existential string.

Purely functional, unconscious, and incapable

Of rewarding the fly’s nigh Puritan persistence,

The glass jar gives no indication of giving way,

Until, at long last, the fly collapses onto its now-broken back,

Exhausted and bleeding  from the fight against

Its own false perception of reality.

One leg jerks in one last gasp

Of hope…

And is still.

May 16, 2010


Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , , at 11:40 pm by eddejae

Chilly iron grip on my brain,

Burning flesh searing its stamp

On the supple vulnerabilities of my mind –

Decaying hand of psychosis groping

At tremulous clumps of huddled nerves

Screaming sanctuary from creeping fingers –

Twisting a wire here, tugging a thread there –

Pleading to be passed over.

Willy-nilly whims spark neural cannons

That mingle with misfired synaptic flares…

Implosion of the psyche.

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