July 2, 2010

Seven Days of Sunset ~Day 7… Scars…

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 9:53 am by eddejae

A really strong woman accepts the war she went through and is ennobled by her scars. ~Carly Simon

I remember one morning, about two and half months ago, that I stood in front of my closet staring at the long row of twenty-something sweatshirts. Even though the the weather was starting to get warmer, calling for shorter sleeves, until that day I had refused to show my arms because of my many scars. I was ashamed of them, not wanting to be stared at or judged. I was deathly afraid of being asked questions and hated feeling self-conscious. Hardly anyone in my life knew I was a cutter, and the scars were too deep to use  the “cat-scratch” excuse. So I used the easy way out and just pretended I was cold-blooded.

However, something changed that morning. For the first time, I didn’t care what other people thought of me. I had finally gotten to the point in my recovery where I was open enough to accept myself with my flaws and let people think what they may. Perhaps it might even give someone else the courage to not be ashamed of their battle wounds either. I made the decision that morning to love my scars. I closed my closet, walked over to my chest of drawers, and pulled out a t-shirt. That day, I walked around with bare arms, my struggle with depression and BPD exposed to the world. Sure, I got a couple of glances, I was a bit uncomfortable, but in the end… I was ok. No one asked any questions. I didn’t break down. I didn’t panic. The world didn’t end. I was fine. And everyone else was fine. I was just me.

Perfectly imperfect me.

Now, my scars have faded quite a bit, but they’re still there. I’m getting married tomorrow. They’re not that noticeable anymore, but I will still have to use some cover-up for pictures. But I’m fine with that. To me, they are just indicators of where I have been and the things I have overcome. They are my battle wounds…markers that I have fought… And that I have won. That I am a warrior. The most important scars are the ones you don’t see… The emotional scars. And I am happy and relieved to say that those have been healed. Through therapy, time, commitment, and love… Those have been healed. And that’s all that truly matters. It IS possible. I can testify of that.

Healing is possible.

Hope is real.

Love is attainable.

Believe in yourself…

Keep fighting your battles.

And be proud of your scars.

They mean you’re strong enough to survive it all.

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3 Comments »

  1. debra said,

    Oh Edde Jae , i am so happy for you and your new life. So happy you have learned to accept yourself and yes, we all are perfectly imperfect,yahoooooo……:) ❤ xoxox Hope the wedding is beautiful as you.

  2. Robin said,

    I used to share your fears and I’m happy to hear your confident voice.

    Yesterday, the four year old girl who lives next door to us pointed at my bare arms and shoulders and said, “What are those?” I told her they were scars and she just shrugged and kept trying to pick up our obstinate, grumpy little dog. She didn’t care, and I’m not afraid of people noticing them anymore, whether they’re four or four hundred. They’re just another part of me. The scars we have aren’t shameful, they’re just another part of what makes us who we are. It took me a long time to fully adopt this line of thinking, but I’m glad I have, and I’m glad it’s a point of view you appreciate as well. You are such a strong beautiful person and I am proud to know you. I completely admire your strength and open-ness.

    (and a belated congratulations on your wedding! r.cam’s a luck guy!)

    • Edde said,

      Thank you for your comment Robin, it means a lot to me. It is always comforting and eye opening to know that I am not alone in my struggles. I admire and respect you immensely as well for your own strength and journey, and I have always looked up to you for your courage, your individuality, and your unique voice.
      And thanks for the congrats… The wedding’s been a long time comin’ 😉
      Take care
      ❤ Edde


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