My Story

It was the evening of January 3, 2010. I blinked into the glaring fluorescent lights on the emergency room ceiling as I rubbed the stinging handcuff marks on my wrists. Dazed and lethargic from the 24 Nyquil pills still running through my veins, I stuttered my way through an awkward series of questioning from various nurses and doctors who forced their way into my consciousness. Talking was the last thing I wanted to do. Giving them reasons was not only daunting, but seemingly futile at this point.

“Why did you overdose?”

“Were you trying to kill yourself?”

“What’s going on in your life that would make you want to do this?”

All I could do in response was shake my head and say, over and over again, “I don’t know.” I don’t know. I don’t know why I took all those pills. I don’t why I’m so hopeless and depressed. I don’t know why I hate myself so much. I don’t know why I hurt so badly. I don’t know why I just want my life to end. All I know is that I don’t want to feel anything anymore. I’m tired of my life. I’m tired of being me.

The entire scenario – the paramedics, the ambulance, the emergency room, the subsequent seclusion in a psych unit – was all too familiar too me. This was my third suicide attempt in the last two months. My first attempt involved overdosing on liquid Nyquil and slicing my arms, wrists, and neck with a utility knife. During the second episode, I submitted myself to the hospital before I followed through with my plan. And here I was again, in a hospital, choking down charcoal. This time was a bit more dramatic, as I had actually written a suicide note to my parents and, in my medicated state, apparently attacked the paramedics…hence the handcuffs. Even now I can’t say for sure whether or not I truly wanted to die. I figured, whatever happens, happens. If I die, so be it. If I don’t, I guess it wasn’t mean to be. Either way, I didn’t care. Either way, I hoped to somehow escape the overwhelming intensity of the emotions that bombarded me from moment to moment, making life meaningless and unbearable.

Episodes of severe depression and turmoil have become a way of life for me. My first episode occurred at sixteen years old, accompanied by severe anxiety and panic attacks. I have dealt with both depression and anxiety on and off for seven years now. I have also struggled with eating disorders –  first anorexia, then bulimia and uncontrollable binges lasting days at a time. Though I have experienced social anxiety, perfectionism, low self-esteem, and excessive shame and guilt for most of my life (largely as a result of childhood sexual trauma), the severe symptoms of depression, as well as other self-destructive behaviors, had become especially prevalent over the last several years.

I could never understand why the very act of living was so difficult for me. Why couldn’t I just be happy and normal? I felt stuck in destructive patterns of behavior that affected my health, my relationships, my schooling, and my work. Over the few months leading up to my first suicide attempt, and continuing on until the third, victimization, binging and purging, drinking, and cutting had become the norm for me. I absolutely hated these things, but I felt as if I had no control over myself. I no longer cared what happened to my body, because I hated it. I no longer cared what happened to my spirit, because I already felt dead inside. Dead to everything but pain, loneliness, and self-loathing. I turned my back on God. I was somehow angry at Him for what my life had become and, at the same time, felt I was a filthy, disgusting creature unworthy of His love. I felt that I had nothing, no one, to turn to. I was in complete darkness.

I have been officially diagnosed with chronic, recurrent depression and borderline personality disorder. Though depression is commonly known, BPD (borderline personality disorder) is not. The symptoms of BPD include frantic effort to avoid abandonment; a pattern of intense and unstable relationships; identity confusion and disturbance; impulsivity in a least two areas that are self-damaging; recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures or threats, or self-mutilating behavior; emotional dysregulation and instability; chronic feelings of emptiness; inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling it; stress-related paranoia or dissociation. I exhibit every single one of these criteria. Believe it or not, I was actually very relieved to hear this. Finally, there was a reason for everything I was feeling and experiencing. I am not a horrible person. I am dealing with an illness that is brought on by a combination of abnormal brain functioning, genetic predisposition, and negative and stressful life events. I have a difficult time dealing with emotions, and I have certain thought patterns and beliefs that are a result of childhood trauma and that lead to unhealthy ways of coping (eating disorders, self-harm, acting out, isolation, etc).

Now that the underlying cause of my distress has been pinpointed, I have hope that I can overcome this illness that has kept me down for so long. Through medication and therapy, I CAN get through the depression, through the BPD, through my eating disorder… and become healthy and whole again. But although meds and therapy sessions are an important part of my recovery, I am fully aware that the strength motivation to achieve full mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health MUST come from somewhere inside ME. And THAT is where my biggest challenge lies.

Something incredible happened as I lay there in the hospital bed on that pivotal Sunday. I heard a voice inside me say, “There is a reason you are still alive. You have a work to do.” I was overcome with a feeling of deep purpose, a feeling that there is something very important I need to do with my life. I don’t know what that purpose is yet, but I am confident that as I recover and move forward in my life, I will discover what it is that God put me here to do.

Make the most of every failure. Fall forward.

I feel that writing this blog is perhaps a small part of that purpose. If nothing else, it will give me a reason to keep on going. By making a commitment to myself to write each day, to tell the story of my recovery, I am giving myself a reason to get up every morning. A reason to push forward no matter what obstacles lie before me. At this point in the process, the smallest thing is a struggle, and this is a huge undertaking for me. However, I have a feeling that writing this blog, even if no one else in the world reads it, is going to be the most important part of my recovery.

Since that last time at the hospital, I have had many ups and downs. I have had some successes. I have also had failures. But I have realized that as many times as I fail, I pick myself back up again, brush myself off, and move on. Failures are my greatest opportunities to learn more about myself. This blog is itself a result of “falling forward,” and it will continue to be a source of motivation and strength to me as I embark on this journey to discover who I am. Day by endless day, step by stumbling step, I will become just a little more unbroken.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

July 3, 2010

I am finally making the leap. Turning the page. Starting anew.

The time has come for me to, once and for all, put my past behind me… The pain, the heartache, the hurt, the sadness, the scars.

The lessons, the refinement, the wisdom, the beauty, the growth, the maturity will remain.

To the rest, I will say goodbye.

It is hard to believe that just eight months ago, I truly thought my life was over. That there was nothing left for me to live for. That I was worthless, used up, incapable of ever being happy again. After years of struggling with debilitating depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and what I later found out to be Borderline Personality Disorder, I was tired of trying. I was ready to throw in the towel. I was ready to give up the fight. Over a two month period I attempted suicide three times and overdosed on at least five other occasions. I coped with the pain of past and present abuse, trauma, guilt, and self-loathing with binging, purging, cutting, alcohol, drugs, and victimization. In order to survive, I either disassociated from my surroundings or changed my entire personality depending on where I was and who I was with. I didn’t know who I was from one moment to the next. Most people didn’t even know everything that was going on with me, because I was very good at putting on a mask. Life was chaos. Chaos was life.

I failed therapy after therapy. Medications made me even more suicidal. It wasn’t until I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder that things started to make sense. However, it still took me a little while to accept my diagnosis and to make the decision to change. It wasn’t until after my third hospitalization that something inside me snapped. I realized that if I didn’t commit to recovery now, I never would, and I would be miserable the rest of my life. It was a decision I had to make on my own. No one… not my family, not my therapist, not anyone… could make it for me. It was a deep, inner choice and true dedication to becoming healthy.

I am convinced that the one deciding factor to my success in recovery was my commitment in that critical and pivotal moment to becoming better.

Without that, nothing would have worked. Not the best therapy in the world, not the most perfect combination of meds, not even the most loving relationship. No…only that commitment that remained even in the most difficult, heart-wrenching moments when those voices screamed at me “Give up! Give up!” …that one small voice of commitment inside that remained, that whispered… “Remember, remember…” That is what made the difference.

My current state of happiness and healing did not happen all at once. It is a result of a lot of hard work, of a long and painful process. Healing, progress, recovery… They are all a result of a series of small, but very important, choices. Really, there is no such thing as a small decision. Every choice you make has vast consequences, no matter how insignificant it may seem at that moment. Remember that when you when you try to get down on yourself when you think you are “failing”… give yourself credit for the tiny successes…. They make more difference than you realize….For it is those seemingly small victories that accumulate and create something magnificent in the end.

Another thing that has greatly helped me in this process has been getting outside myself. The more I reach out to others, the happier I am. The more I isolate myself and retreat inside my own little world, the more depressed I feel. It is hard because I struggle with social anxiety, but just like any other skill, the more you practice, the better you get and the easier it becomes each time. One thing I love to do is bake, especially at night when I can’t sleep. But I don’t just do it for myself, I do it for my friends and family… There’s nothing more fun and rewarding than seeing the joy on someone’s face when you show up at their door with a plate of fresh-baked cookies. Talk about endorphin rush! Believe it or not, it’s little things like that that can really lift you up out of a rut. Try it. Experiment. Can’t hurt, right?

I also had to decide, at a point, to let myself be happy. For most of my life, whenever I started to feel happy, I would immediately begin to feel guilty. For me, I never felt I “deserved” to be happy, because only “perfect” people deserved to be happy. And since I was never perfect, I could never be happy. Took me a very long time, well… my entire life!… to realize that: 1) I am never going to be perfect, and no one is; 2) There is no such thing as “deserving” to be happy; and 3) I can (and should) be imperfect and happy simultaneously. Once I could accept that, emotionally as well as logically (and I still have to work on this daily, as a lifelong habit is hard to break) I was able to do things like enjoy the little things, be in a relationship, and get married (tomorrow!)

Something else I’ve had to learn and work on is boundaries, especially when it comes to helping other people at the expense of neglecting myself. I’ve always had a bit of a “savior” complex, partly out of a genuine compassion for others, but also as a result of low self-esteem. I need to love, but also be loved, as much of my self-validation comes from others’ approval. As a result, I tend to give everything I have to others, whether they deserve it or not, and am often left empty. I give others validation instead of encouraging them to validate themselves.

Over just the last couple of months, I have learned (the hard way), that unless I am taking care of myself first, I am not good to anyone else. I had to learn to step away a bit and focus on my own recovery, otherwise I was at risk of breaking down again myself. One day, when things have settled down and I am comfortable and strong in this new chapter in my life, I will return to helping others in their journey – it is part of who I am and always will be. I love helping others – listening to them, comforting them, being a help and support wherever I can. But I always need to be sure I am in a good place myself first, before I can be a strength to someone else.

The best thing I can offer the world and others is myself – healthy and whole, with a voice that is clear, strong, and true.

Remember that you are always writing your story, and every chapter is unique and amazing – the happy chapters, the frightening chapters, the sad chapters, the emotional chapters, the healing chapters. Every moment is another sentence, another word on the page… And it is important, and it is beautiful. Tell your story. I guarantee you it will touch another’s life in some way, and it will help to you realize that nothing you have gone through has been in vain.

Everyone has a history…Lessons they’ve learned and wisdom to share.

Let your voice be heard.

Begin to speak today.

Not only will you change someone else’s life…

You will forever change your own.

…I have learned that when you hold on to your past, you impede your progress.

The greatest thing you can do for yourself is to forgive yourself and to let go so you can move forward. This often the hardest and last step. It was for me.

Ultimately, you make the choice of how you want your life to be. No matter what has happened in your past, you can change your life. Make the decision. Right now. Decide to take responsibility from this moment on for who you become.

Start where you are. This moment. Stop waiting for a miracle.

I realized it wasn’t God that was punishing me. I was punishing myself for things that had happened and things I had no control over. At least not anymore. Living in the past does nothing. So I let it go and chose to begin a new chapter.

I gave myself the power back. I took the power away from my past, from my mistakes, from my abusers, from depression, from BPD, and gave it back to myself. I chose to rise above. When you accept what has happened and relinquish yourself from undeserved blame and guilt, while taking appropriate responsibility for your actions – you become empowered again. You are able to let go of the burdens of the past. You are able to forgive yourself and move forward.

This is what happened for me, after years and years of blaming myself, of striving for unattainable perfection, of feeling guilty for everything I did.

Now I am moving on. Putting my past behind me, only taking what I have learned so that I may use it to bless my life and those around me.

I can allow myself to be happy now. To live, freely.

I can be me.

Perfectly imperfect.

Day by day, step by step, I’ve become a little more unbroken.

And though sometimes I fall… I’m forever falling forward…

Never forget… the sky is always blue behind the gray… the mountain has another side…the stars are still there in the day…and caterpillars become butterflies.

~Edde Jae~

41 Comments »

  1. Lillie said,

    No matter how many times I’ve tried to kill myself, I always wondered why I still lived. In the face of extreme horror, I always seemed to keep living. Living disgusted me. There has been many moments of me wanting to stab the heck out of myself, but I recently found a way to express what I am feeling through art (a sculpture I “cut” into and writing. It might also feel extremely hard some days to talk because depending on when your trauma occurred you may have not been able to talk at that moment, so please keep this in mind when you feel like you have no words when the world keeps asking you, “why.” A reason I live today is that I do love my son more than anything, and if I died then he’d probably have to go to his father who abused him. I can’t let that happen. I’m the only one who could love my son more than anybody here on earth. I also can’t imagine the result of me committing suicide. My son would be utterly damaged thinking, “why did Mommy kill herself?” “was I a bad boy,” or even “Mommy didn’t love me.” This is not the message of love God has given to me. So, like you…I love your saying, Day by endless day, step by stumbling step, I will become just a little more unbroken.” Because broken is how I feel.

  2. eddejae said,

    Thank you for sharing that with me. Besides writing, I express myself best through music. Music is an essential aspect of my life and I know it will also be a huge part of my recovery.

    I’ve never talked and written so much as I have in the last few weeks. I never realized how much I had kept in side for so many years….thoughts and feelings I never felt were safe to express. Now they’re coming out through therapy, journaling, building my relationships with my family, and turning back to God. I do have so much to say, and I feel I can say it now. I don’t have to hide. It’s such a huge relief. And when words just won’t do it… Music does…

    Yes, we are broken. Everyone is in some way or another. Lucky for us, no matter how broken we are, we’re still loved. And that gives me hope.

  3. velska said,

    These sentences hit home with force:

    I don’t why I’m so hopeless and depressed. I don’t know why I hate myself so much. I don’t know why I hurt so badly. I don’t know why I just want my life to end. All I know is that I don’t want to feel anything anymore. I’m tired of my life. I’m tired of being me.

    I remember taking various pills (benzo, Soma, opiates etc.) and just wishing I could sleep. I don’t know quite honestly if they really were suicide attempts but they sure worried my family and friends, and I hated, hated, hated that I caused even more pain to them than they already had because I had become a stranger.

    I don’t know if I consciously kept the doses low enough that nothing really life-threatening happened, plus with those drugs, you have to OD so much before it stops your lungs from working. There were others, that I didn’t OD, just because they told me they’d stop my heart, cold. Besides they didn’t make me feel any better or even sleep.

    If you’d really been able to get my honest opinion, I didn’t really want to “die”, I wanted to stop hurting feeling, even being, especially being me. I hated myself, and abusing the drugs made me feel even worse, yet I repeated it.

    Now I’m not taking any psycho-actives regularly, but I do have much better meds for pain (like Buprenorphin with a 10mcg/hour release patch and then Pregabaline for the neuropathic part.

    What seems to me have gotten me on the way to recovery were realizing my wife and kids still loved me. That’s what made me understand that if mortals can love me, the Lord may be able to love me, too.

    I cried, in my pain, probably my most sincere prayer ever, “Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief!” I shouted it, I thought it, and my tears of pain slowly turned to tears of joy. The slowness of the journey is the big deal.

    The Lord also sent an angel in form of an old friend, who gave me a Priesthood blessing. I had grown a little in Hope and Faith, and I felt strongly that the Lord wanted to bless me. Our friend had a good angle, since he’d known me well 20 years before, and he saw how different I was. He also helped concretely, in a way I should have known to do myself, but you know, that’s why it’s called a sickness…

    Peace,
    –velska

    • Edde said,

      Thanks for sharing your story… I guess I’ve realized that my family loves me too… And I’m tired of hurting them. Turning back to the Lord is also a big part of my new-found commitment to getting better… slowly but surely…

      • velska said,

        The most important thing it seems to me is not to lose faith and hope when you have a setback or feel like it’s going too slow.

        It’s important to discuss stuff like depression openly. There are depressed people all around us, they just put on a happy face while we’re there to see… been there, done that.

        Things can happen quickly, too; I mean, it may look for some time that there’s no progress, then you sort of fall forward. That falling forward is one thing I’ve wondered about. It happens sometimes.

        But time does its own trick, if you have opportunity to let your mind process things.

  4. Edde said,

    Ya, I just try to have patience with myself and focus on the progress I do make, no matter how small it may be.

    I used to hide everything I felt… I walked around with a happy face too, and I was always “ok.” I’ve learned that it’s ok to be honest and not fake it just because it’s what you think other people expect.

    Ya I’m definitely giving myself time and just doing my part… And letting the recovery happen naturally. I’m not forcing anything, but at the same time making a conscious effort to do my best each day. That’s where the commitment comes in… fighting the temptation to give up or give in to the negative thoughts and feelings.

    This blog is all part of the “processing,” and I’ve been finding that it’s been helping me tremendously. It helps me to kind of figure out my own thoughts and feelings, and is an outlet for expression, so I don’t feel like I’m “hiding.” It’s part of giving myself a voice again.

  5. Velska said,

    You are doing so well now, as I assume you also have a life outside your blog. That idea of just giving up is sometimes so tempting…

  6. Liesl said,

    you are an incredible person. thinking of my small bouts of depression, I cannot imagine having to live it tenfold.
    your story will help so many people be able to look their fears in the eye and say “I am stronger than you. I CAN be me again!”
    I love you SO much, and I have felt your progression in the few short visits we have had. keep it up!

    • Edde said,

      thank you so much for all of that… 🙂 i love you!!!

  7. Lauren said,

    Writing is great! Not only is it helping YOU, but it also helps other people know that they’re not alone, that someone else feels the same way they do…

  8. Fia Marie said,

    I can totally relate to your whole blog. YOU DONT WANT TO DIE, like I don’t it’s just that the pain becomes so intense. Next time something like that happens feel free to reach out to me for help, my email is vinciguerra3@yahoo.com and you can email me for my number. I know all too well the sound of the sirens,the taste of charcoal, the millions of questions but doctors, nurses, etc….

    • Edde said,

      It is always comforting to know that someone understands. I appreciate you giving me your email so much and for offering your support.

      I also want you to know that I love what I have read of yours on the On the Borderline blog (at least I think you’re the same Fia Marie LOL!). I find I relate to it so much, and you put into words thoughts and feelings I also have that I didn’t know how to express.

      Thank you for everything. ❤

      • fiamarie said,

        No problem, really email we can def use support.
        Fia

  9. Suzie Q Breaks said,

    Thank you for sharing your journey. You are a brave young woman in a difficult world. My partner has DID and I research to understand and write to end the mystery. If you care to read more visit: identitybreaks.blogspot.com

    Keep falling forward!

    • Edde said,

      Thanks for your comment Suzie. I will definitely visit your blog 🙂

  10. ethel said,

    I’ve never had any one understand me, or had any one to help me understand me…I have bpd, I lost my twins daughters 4 year ago through this illness,they are 14 now, one is in foster care one in a kids home, and all the horrible illness..slowly we fell a bit better, slowly we feel to love ourselves, I need people who can relate to me, and not be called crazy… So pleased I found you lot, maybe I have found the right people to help me through this very hard journey in life..I will keep falling forward, my family need me.. We all have a different purpose in life, ours is just that bit harder I suppose..x

  11. Debra said,

    At first I wanted to cry with you, then I saw the hope building in you and your spiritual and mental strength. You write so well and express yourself so well. I am usually quiet.This past year though I have began to open up and see so many others also opening up. It is like we are learning to bloom and be all we are suppose to be even with our illness, just as any other illness for other people. I am writing a book to help me in my recovery. I have been depressed since my teen years.Handled it all the wrong ways with wrong choices and addictions. But you know as I do that God has made us so strong that we just dont see it in ourselves sometimes. I thank God each day for a new beginning. I also thank Him for people like you who want to share and help others with our misunderstood illness. We know the pain, we have been there. You are so strong and couragous. Thank you for being you and letting us see who you really are. Much love and blessings.<3

  12. Suzie Q Breaks said,

    Thank you Ethel, for sharing your story and your pain. Keep falling forward!

  13. heather said,

    I like your story. It gives hope… I feel a lot like the way you did..

  14. Rich (from FB) said,

    Edde,
    I don’t have BPD, but I just wanted to say that I am very proud of you for opening up like this to all of us. You are giving hope to others that are going through similar situations in their lives. I’m sure that a lot of everything that you have shared with us has hit close to home for many people. Keep up the great progress you are doing!!! Everyday, you stay up and don’t fall is another day of success! The more success you have, the easier it will be to maintain that success when you stay on track. Best wishes to you, and hope you continue to share your endeavers with us. *hugs* 🙂

  15. Alison said,

    Beautifully written if I say so myself… welcome to the world of blogging, although I see your ‘My Story’ post was written a while back now, but I’ve just stumbled upon your blog, via a Facebook group page.

    It’s times like this when I wished I’d not deleted my originally blog ‘Genius Gone Wrong’ which I had online for many years which detailed my own struggles about the fight with depression, mood swings, self harm, being diagnosed with BPD, and entering group therapy and the crap that came along with that, but the start of what became a road to recovery… I only removed the blog very recently (which is somewhat of a regret now, but I have the old posts, and I am very tempted to put them back online!). I now have a new blog called ‘Crazy Girl Scribbles’ which is fairly new, but blogging for me has been a big part of helping me in the recovery to getting better and dealing with the stigma to mental health issues.

    It’s a year this week since I was last in hospital, and I’ve achieved so much in 12 months, I sometimes cannot believe I am who I am… I am now diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar II and thanks to finally finding medication that helps and a Psychiatrist who helps and is also a Psychotherapist; I am more than on the way to recovery.

    You can beat this illness, you have the right attitude already, about picking yourself up when you fall down, there will always be bad days with a diagnosis of BPD, and it’s a case of reminding yourself that those crappy days do pass and that in time things will get better!

    Can I also suggest that you get your blog linked to Mental Nurse? http://www.mentalnurse.org/ they are always looking for new blogs and I think yours would be an interesting one to add, there is a distinct lack of blogs about BPD!

    In the mean time, take care… and remain strong x

    Alison
    http://crazygirlscribbles.wordpress.com/

    • Edde said,

      Hi Alison!
      Thanks so much for your comment! Believe it or not, I had actually started following your “Genius Gone Wrong” blog right before you deleted it – had it linked to my blog and everything! I was sad to see you go… I’m happy to see that you’re still writing and I’m excited to follow you again! In my humble opinion, perhaps you should put some of the old pasts back online to give a bit of a background as to who you are and where you’ve been. 🙂
      I’ve also found that blogging has been very therapeutic for me. In fact, I’ve kind of been slacking in my writing and I’ve found that I’ve actually been slipping because of it. I need that self-reflection and self-expression to keep me centered and focused. Without it, I feel incomplete and imbalanced.
      I am so glad that you have found a medication that works for you and a Psychiatrist/Psychotherapist who helps you. That is truly an indispensable part (I believe) to true recovery.
      I have had some especially bad days lately… Thank you for reminding me that I can always pick myself up and make each failure a “fall forward.”
      Thanks for recommending Mental Nurse… I will look into that 🙂
      Take care Alison, and keep writing as well 🙂
      Edde

      • Alison said,

        I’m glad I can help, and that you have found my new blog now! 🙂

  16. Neysa Hibbard said,

    Sweet Edde…I just sobbed and sobbed reading your story. You are such a beautiful girl. I know you have a purpose to life. You are a talented and gifted young women. The advesary is well aware of the things you are capable of and you worry him. I think because you could set the world on fire…he works very hard to see that it won’t happen. You have always been a very special daughter of Heavenly Father. You have been gifted with more physical gifts than most people and the ability to do ALL of them very well. I had heard that you were struggling but didn’t know the details. I am glad that you could write about your experiences. You are helping many who sturggling with things in their life. I admire you for being able to talk about things that most people wouldn’t. Keeping things locked inside for so long….it’s not healthy spiritually nor physically. I just want you to know that we love you so much. You have always been such a beautiful girl with intelligence, ability to make the piano talk, you can sing and act, just an all around fantastic young woman. I have always admired you…keep falling forward. You can’t eat the whole elephant at once, but nibble by nibble eventually it will be gone. You are in our prayers. Don’t ever condemn yourself for the things that are past…they are in the past…the Atonement of Christ has already paid the price for all of us. We all love you and are looking forward to the fantastic things that you will be doing. If you do any falling…make sure it’s to your knees.

  17. chris said,

    oh my gosh im so glad you’re still here with us!

  18. Thea Amelia said,

    Wow!. i don’t know what happened but somehow i ended up on ur site and i love it, some of it braught me to tears. i’ve been going through a tough few years and im inspired by your story. i just wanted to thank you and let u know u made a different in my life and i hope in others as well.
    ~ Thea

  19. Beth Yee said,

    I am the mother of a 21 year old BPD sufferer. This story could be her’s – finally we have connections and hope to be on road towards recovery and resolution ! (we hope)

  20. jasper said,

    i wish you get better!
    i also have borderline and i know that some day i will be all better. i feel like with hope i am always getting better 🙂

  21. cindy said,

    you’re such a brave and beautiful person with so much to share and to give. you write so beautifully as well. i couldn’t stop reading. i stumbled upon your page by accident and i’m so glad i did. please continue on your forward path. i don’t know you, but i’m so proud of you and your wonderful growth. i hope you continue on with strength and hope and that you find the joy you so truly deserve. god bless you.

  22. Thank you for sharing this, I no longer feel alone anymore. I can struggle a little more for a better tomorrow knowing there are people out there just like me. Thank you, and God bless you.

  23. Cheetoo said,

    I just randomly came across this blod of your’s and read your story. I’m suffering from depression right now and it’s horrible. I’ve no success story to share or what I can tell you how strong you are to cope up with all this. Because I’m suicidical. I always am.

  24. Grace said,

    You are courageous. Thanks for sharing your story and giving hope.

  25. Lynne Slater said,

    Thank you
    I was just looking for an image to comfort me, and I found your sunsets.
    May you always be able to find the light shining through the clouds.

    Lynne

  26. underground said,

    what a beautiful descriptive phrase and photo for your blog here. thank you for being and blogging. i’m so happy every time i find another on this path.

  27. electricbohemian said,

    As soon as I saw your blog, I thought here is such a beautiful person, I just had this feeling..Look what you have done with so much against you as well. Such an inspiration, such a wonderful mind.. it is the illusions of the world that destroys such innocent souls, delicate yet strong.. I admire you, thank you for sharing 🙂

  28. K said,

    Thank you for sharing those intimate details of your pain. I was recently diagnosed as BPD and your blog articulated the feelings that have confused and frustrated me for many years now. I am 21 years old, but I feel like I’m old and broken.Right now I’m still wondering if any of the work that lies ahead of me is worth it, but I have a small glimmer of hope that I’m not the only person who feels this way. I want the pain and overbearing emotion to stop, and I feel (currently) like I do still want to die. I failed at a well researched and carried out suicide attempt, and the only thing stopping me now is fear of further failure.I am always fearful and anxious. I can never fully explain why. I feel I lack control over anything, and I don’t feel that it’s possible for me to gain it, YET. Thank you for sharing, I can now at least articulate what I’m dealing with, and make an effort to understand it myself.

    • Todd said,

      K,

      His this is Todd. I am Edde’s Husband. I know it has been some time since you have written and I hope this gets to you. Edde and I have worked very hard over the past few years that we have been married and I can tell you with all soberness and truth that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. Edde has come so far and though “cured” may not be the right word, it isn’t too far off. I could share hundreds of stories of the agony she suffered mostly due to the confusing feelings and thoughts that borderlines regularly have. It used to tare her apart. She used to spend many nights in my arms crying and even screaming because of the emotional pain. But she never gave up, and through her diligence, hard work, and most importantly for a borderline, patience, she has become the most amazing woman I have ever met. As I type this she is asleep in the couch not even 5 feet from me, pregnant with our first baby. She is so excited and is going to be an amazing mother. If you would have asked her 4 years ago if she would be here now, she probably would have begun to cry and feel hate for herself, wishing it were true, but would have said it was impossible, yet here she is. My sweetheart and the soon to be mother of our little girl and TRULY happy. Please read the rest of her blog and if there is any support we can lend, please feel free to write us at:

      borderlinehope@gmail.com

      God Bless,
      Todd

  29. Todd said,

    Hello everyone, This is Todd, Edde’s husband. I happen to be going through my email and found a link I saved to this journal. I know it has been a few years since Edde last posted so I wanted to let you all know that she is doing very well. We just bought a house and are expecting our first child next month. Edde has come so far and has changes from night and day since she last wrote here. She has become the most positive inspiration in my life and a light to all around her. I just wanted to let you all know that hope is never lost, and change is never impossible. It took time, but with love and patience, she has won the fight. She has been off med’s for more than two years, and been stable ever since.
    Ever day I am amazed and in aw of how far she has come in a few years. The light in her eyes is without equal. Since being married to Edde my heart has always held a special concern for those with BPD, seeing the day to day struggles and the constant heart ache that accompanies both those who are diagnosed and those close to them. So please, if there is anything that Edde or I can do, we are here. We may not be available all the time, but I have set up an email for Edde and myself specifically for those of you that need someone to talk to. If you are suffering from BPD or know someone that does and need someone to talk to, please feel free to email and ask. Our hearts and prayers go out to you all every night. We know what you are going through and we know how each side feels. We have experience and we want to help. Mind you we are just two people, we are in no way a substitute for professional help, but we can supplement it with support with love and understanding. So please, if there is any question you may have please feel free to write us at:

    borderlinehope@gmail.com

    In the subject line please put “Edde” followed by your subject if you want to write to her or “Todd” and your subject if you want to write to me.

    God Bless you all,
    Todd

  30. jasonh406 said,

    Thank you for being brave enough to share your story. May you continue to find peace.


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