April 30, 2010
I can barely keep my eyes open as I write this. I am exhausted, even though I slept for 10 hours last night and then took a 2 hour nap. I am emotionally drained. I have spent some long nights this week talking to fellow mental illness sufferers and helping them through their pain. Don’t get me wrong, I love being there for other people. I consider it part of my reason for being here on this earth. Serving as a conduit of love and hope is an essential aspect of who I am and of my journey. However, I recognize the need for me to recharge my batteries and that I may be spreading myself a bit thin.
Combine my new romantic relationship with the current friend and family relationships I work to maintain, plus a plethora of new friends I have met through blogging and facebook who are in need of my support, not to mention the emotional work I am doing in therapy… I am spent. I can feel the exhaustion pulsing through my veins. My mental capacities are worn out. My emotions are all used up. Stress has taken its toll on my body. I’ve avoided cutting, but have been binging much more to compensate. I am so tired. I need some serious TLC. Someone needs to take care of me, just one day. I need a break. Just a day would suffice. Then I would gladly go back to helping my friends, offering my support, advocating the causes that are so important to me, being there for my family, and being a loving girlfriend. But for right now… I need rest. Please…
Let me rest…
Let me close my eyes…
And let the world and everyone in it just disappear…
Just for a moment…
Just let it all go…
April 8, 2010
The struggle has been exhausting.
I know the sunshine is bright, but to my eyes it is dull and faded. The colors of spring all around me are muted. Food does not satisfy. I cannot feel the water pouring down my throat or over my face.
I just want to sleep, to crawl in my corner, to surrender to the day’s shadows.
Existence is merely a burden today.
I feel… nothing.
March 27, 2010
Including but not limited to…
Stupid jokes, sarcastic comments, spontaneous bursting out in song, flamboyantly ridiculous dance moves, annoying mindlessness (such as leaving caps off bottles and putting empty milk cartons back in the refrigerator), and other more… worrisome… tendencies which I have endeavored to put behind me. (My family could undoubtedly add to this list, especially my little sister, who is convinced I am insane and merely tolerates me for the most part). In addition to these endearing quirks, I have the habit of guffawing quite boisterously (and perhaps obnoxiously?) when I find something especially amusing.
My mother in particular was blessed with the privilege of such a joyous outburst following my visit to the “stats” page of my blog’s dashboard. Someone had entered “BPD wife sleeping until noon” in the search engine, and sure enough, was specifically referred to my blog. HA! How fitting, considering I am an expert at avoiding the morning-time, preferring to remain unconscious until the crack of noon! It also made me look back and realize how much I ramble about my sleeping habits haha! Oh well, it made for a hearty belly-laugh and some eye-rolling from my mother. I’m a treasure to be sure. 😉 (As a side note…The search phrase above leads me to believe that this particular person may be attempting to determine an association between BPD and late rising, but just to be clear… This has not, to the best of my knowledge, been identified as a specific characteristic of BPD sufferers… In my case, I just blame the meds for everything…hehe.)
Speaking of sleeping habits… I was up again at sunrise this morning. For heavens’ sake… Why?! I could have used an extra few hours of sleep. I’ve been exhausted the entire day! Has the lifelong night owl suddenly transformed into an early bird against her will? Though, I have to admit, getting up hours earlier than I’m accustomed to has resulted in a significantly more productive day. In fact, I was actually a bit worried at the level of energy and productivity I experienced yesterday. From the time I got out of bed to the time I crawled back under the sheets, I was go-go-go. I read a 250-page book in under 3 hours, wrote my blog post, felt an overwhelming urge to organize our collection of hundred-something DVDs, organized my desk and files, cleaned my room spotlessly (I even swept underneath the bed *gasp*), did 60 minutes of cardio, rocked out Guitar Hero-style, did my laundry, and went grocery shopping. I haven’t done so much in a single day for a very long time. I worried that I was slipping into some kind of hypomanic-like phase (which happened in the fall last year, and was followed by a colossal crash into suicidal depression), but my mom pointed out that I’m probably just so used to being depressed (which for me translates into zero energy and zero motivation to do anything) that it feels abnormal when my my energy is finally at the level of what would be considered “normal” for someone without depression. Plus I haven’t been especially erratic, and it’s not a “nervous” energy, so I think I’m ok. However… I don’t want to get my hopes up just yet that my anti-depressant might actually be eliminating (versus merely lessening) my symptoms… I mean, there’s no “magic cure” right? So…let’s see how the next few days go.
Hmm…I babbled a lot more than I planned to. Oh well. It’s my blog, and I can do what I want lol… I should probably sign off here before I get any more tired and my brain starts melting out my ears and dripping down my neck into pools of cerebral soup on the floor thereby destroying the carpet and terrorizing my clean-freak of a mom to the point of insanity and I start making absolutely no sense at all……
March 19, 2010
I just attempted to write a post about my day, consistent with my commitment to daily blogging.
But I just… can’t… do it.
I am falling asleep as I write this…
I have no other choice but to give in…
I hope I can make it to my bed before I pass out from pure exhaustion…
In Sleep we lie all naked and alone, in Sleep we are united at the heart of night and darkness, and we are strange and beautiful asleep; for we are dying the darkness and we know no death. ~Thomas Wolfe.
Ok I’m starting to hallucinate. Goodnight.
March 14, 2010
The smoke of last night’s dreams still
Lingers around my pillow.
My cheek is imprinted with the creases of the sheets
Gathered tightly around my body –
Now shivering cold, now burning with fever.
Coughing to clear my lungs from the
Suffocating remnants of yesterday’s tears.
My headphones cord tightens around my neck
As I turn towards the wall –
I fell asleep to the familiar lullabies
Of pain, healing, loss, and redemption –
My dreaming mind, to make a point of sadistic irony,
Dismissed the messages of comfort and love,
Summoning for fears and monsters and
Merciless tales of doom, regret, and tragedy.
But the afternoon light streams through
The trinity of windows and casts an inviting glow
Across the cold wall upon which I press my feet, listlessly –
Thinking of yesterday and wishing for tomorrow.
I trace my finger along the wall in a language
Only I know, and do not care to speak of,
Then count the freckles on my arms.
In a place between asleep and awake,
In a state where dreams and reality intertwine
And fight for dominance in my brain,
In a place where only I can go, where I am alone,
I live a myriad of lives patched together from memories,
And tell myself stories that become dreams,
That melt into mere emotion to be circulated
Through my bloodstream like a drug –
But I’m not allowed to bleed it out.
So I lie here, and drift to sleep, and drift to wake,
In and out, light and dark, real and make-believe.
I am falling. Now I am flying. Running. Now still.
Thoughts dance the maddening dance and collapse into silence –
Jolted to motion again by the sudden beat of my pounding heart.
Future, past, present, now past again – No, present only.
I am here and that is all I need to know.
There is nothing else for me today.
The puzzle, the problem, will not be unlocked this way.
My muddled mind cannot touch your words.
I have no strength to hold it, carry it, examine it –
Too heavy, too heavy, it slips from my fingers.
So I lie here, exhausted, in the smoky of haze of dreams.
This is my reality today. This and none else.
I cover my head and bury myself in my sanctuary of
Sheets and shadows and pillow creases.
The truth will have to wait until tomorrow.
Tomorrow I wake up.
But not today.
March 3, 2010
It’s one of those days I need to be brutally honest. (Not that I haven’t been brutally honest in my previous posts… I’ve certainly never divulged so much in my entire life as I have here in the last couple of weeks… But I guess I just feel a little more vulnerable right now and need to vent).
It has not been the easiest day, and I’m not even sure why… But I’m… Exhausted. I woke up exhausted. It’s hard to even move… There’s a deep ache throughout my entire body that seems to seep into my bones. I’m tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. This last week I’ve done a lot more than I’m used to doing, and I’m still fighting this virus and adjusting to my medication.
After forcing myself to play the piano this morning, hoping that would infuse me with some energy, I collapsed on the bed and waved the white flag of surrender. I don’t know why I feel so overwhelmed today, but I do. I ate way too much (almost to the point of binging… but I was feeling too nauseous to continue), and now I feel even more sick. I’ve barely moved from the couch most of the day, and besides the piano practicing, writing this blog post is the only (semi) productive thing I’ve done today.
I get tired and run down so easily. I hate this. I require a ton of sleep, and then just going about “normal” daily activities exhausts me to the point where I have to rest after everything. I guess it’s all part of the depression, and probably this illness I’ve been fighting, but it’s just getting me down. I’ve also done a lot of emotional work these last few days, and now I just don’t want to think or feel anything.
I’m feeling bad about myself today. I’m not liking the way I look, the way I feel…the nagging, negative voices in my head that won’t shut up. I just want this day to be over. Can I just go to sleep now? I’m praying I wake up feeling better tomorrow. Move on. I’ve been in slumps like this for days… weeks… at a time… and I can’t go there again. Not when I’ve made so much progress.
I’m just going to pretend like today never happened.
The old grey donkey, Eeyore stood by himself in a thistly corner of the Forest, his front feet well apart, his head on one side, and thought about things. Sometimes he thought sadly to himself, “Why?” and sometimes he thought, “Wherefore?” and sometimes he thought, “Inasmuch as which?” and sometimes he didn’t quite know what he was thinking about.
A. A. Milne
From the book Winnie the Pooh