July 1, 2010

Seven Days of Sunset ~ Day 5…

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , , , at 7:52 pm by eddejae

I have no never-again, I have no always. In the sand
Victory abandoned its footprints.
I am a poor man willing to love his fellow men.
I don’t know who you are. I love you. I don’t give away thorns, and I don’t sell them.

Maybe someone will know that I didn’t weave crowns
to draw blood; that I fought against mockery;
that I did fill the high tide of my soul with truth. I repaid vileness with doves.

I have no never, because I was different–
Was, am will be. And in the name
Of my ever-changing love I proclaim a purity.

Death is only the stone of oblivion.
I love you, on your lips I kiss happiness itself.
Let’s gather firewood. We’ll light a fire on the mountain.

~Pablo Neruda

This has been the fifth day of sunset…

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May 18, 2010

Edde’s Escapades

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 2:03 am by eddejae

I just thought I would share with my readers some of the fun, kooky, and random miniature adventures I have had these last few days despite the minute-by-minute battle with depression that has truly been the weekend’s underlying theme. No matter what, I know that I can always find something shiny to pull out of the muck. Even when I feel like the world is falling apart around me, somehow a little bit of light breaks through somewhere and I can find the humor, the beauty, or merely the strange irony in a tiny slice of life. All it takes looking at things differently, even if it means going a bit cross-eyed in the process..

~~~FRIDAY~~~

Todd picked me up in the evening. We grabbed some Taco Bell (yes, we are occasionally junk food junkies when necessity demands it or the undeniable craving strikes…) and drove out to his grandparents house to pick up his ’64 Fairlane, which in my opinion, is the hottest classic car in existence (and which I eventually convinced him to let me drive a few miles).

Not to mention that he has installed an incredible sound system that puts my Hyundai’s pathetic little speakers to shame… oh… and the bench seats are quite conducive to cuddling. 🙂

Our music tastes usually lean towards either a mixture of jazz, classical, and musical theatre (Frank Sinatra, Michael Buble, Josh Groban, showtunes, etc) or various alternative rock bands, but this evening was different. Inspired by the capacities of the sound system, the general awesomeness of our vehicle, and the warm summer night, we put together a playlist of hip-hop, R&B, and reggaeton and cranked up the bass. Unable to keep myself from moving to the heavy, sensual beat, I let myself go… Well, as much as I could sitting down in a car! Bopping my head back and forth, moving my arms and shoulders to the beat, swaying my hips ever so slightly, I lost myself in the mood of the music and the wind whipping my hair across my face as Todd and I sped through the softly spice scented summer air.

And I discovered my new favorite dancing song… But dang it’s hard to do reggaeton moves sitting down…

Though driving the Fairlane is rewarding in and of itself, our ulterior motive in retrieving it from the grandparents’ house was to take it to the drive-in theatre to see Iron Man 2. The movie was thoroughly enjoyable, though in my opinion not as well-done nor memorable as the first (as is the case with sequels more often than not). However, what I took away from that night had nothing to do with the star-studded cast, the classic car, or the perfect night. As we waited for the movie to start, Todd and I walked hand in hand to the snack bar to find the restroom. Outside of the anachronistic, 70s style snack bar with its lovably pathetic attempt at a carnival atmosphere was a small sandbox with a swing set. Now, where there is a swing, there will be an Edde. I love the childlike thrill of swinging. To me, it will always be the closest I can get to flying. (Unless someone can convince me to go sky diving…the possibility of which I am still debating…). Smiling his “Of course you would” smile, Todd came up behind me and gave me a push. “Higher! Higher!” I demanded until I squealed “Stop!” as I realized if he pushed me any higher I would be doing an involuntary front flip over the bars followed by a most painful ostrich imitation.

“Hey Todd, when we have our own house someday, promise me we’ll have a swing set?”

“Of course, always.”

~~~SATURDAY~~~

This morning I donned a pair of knee-high socks. Silly socks? Perhaps. Fan-freakin-tastic socks? Heck yes.

Todd and I went to Hot Topic. Yes, I shop at Hot Topic. Another quirky fact about Edde. Here are the fun things that I bought there (sorry the picture is a bit out of focus)…

We had a barbeque for my brother’s 18th birthday/high school graduation. My brother, Todd, and I ditched early and drove up to old downtown Placerville. I had a hankering to visit the Old Tyme Candy Store to add to my collection of weird and unique candy. This place has pretty much any candy you can think of. I didn’t buy much due to lack of funds, but here is my collection thus far and I hope to add to it significantly as time goes on…

(From left to right: E.frutti Gummi Pizza, Bubble Gum Pop Rocks, WackoWax Mr. Stache, Pixy Stix, Watermelon Sour Flush, Blue Razz Pop Rocks, WackWax Fangs, Captain Davy Jones Pez Dispenser, Pulparindo, Cotton Candy Pop Rocks, Jelly Belly Pet Tarantula, Tequila Flavor Hotlix with Worm, Gummy BooBoos Bandages, Lucky Lights, Salt N’ Vinegar Crickettes)

Intrigued, I also picked this up…

It is called “BRAIN WASH CARBONATED DRINK”.

According to the label, this beverage:

“Helps relieve extreme mental overload.”

“Gets rid of all the garbage they’ve been they’ve been dumping in your mind.” (Yes, “they’ve been” is repeated on purpose…)

This drink is intended to be used “For a change of mind” and also states “We want you for life” and “This maybe be your only way out!”

Also, it reads…

CAUTION: MAY CAUSE SPECIAL EFFECTS. WE CUT OUT  ALL THE BULLSHIT IN LIFE AND WENT STRAIGHT FOR THE BRAIN. INJECTED INTO THE BOTTLE FOR THE SKELETEENS/EAT ME FOODS IN LA, CA. DON’T GO HERE: WWW.SKELETEENS.COM. DON’T CALL 818.844.312.

And now, ladies and gentleman, for the ingredients…

FORMULA NO. 8: CARBONATED WATER, HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP, CITRIC ACID, CAFFEINE, NATURAL & ARTIFICIAL FLAVORS, RED #40, HERBAL BLEND consisting of: American, Siberian and Korean Ginseng, African Capsicum, Buchu, Echinacea, Jalapeno Oil, Ginkgo Biloba, Ginger, Gotu Kola, Kola Nut, Brazilian Guarana, Skullcap (Mad Dog Weed), Clove, Damiana, Sage, Sodium Benzoate to preserve taste.

Now I don’t know about you, but to me this sounds more like a brain-blowing concoction than a brain-washing one. Unless by brain-washing you mean causing your brain matter to transform into goo and melt out your ears leaving the inside of your skull squeaky clean…

Mad Dog Weed eh?…

Maybe I’d better hold on to this one as a collector’s item…

After spending an hour goofing around in the candy store, we walked outside to find a street performer playing with fire. A wanna-be pyro myself,  I was entranced by his antics. I am definitely learning how to do this someday…

To my ecstatic delight, someone had left chalk lying on the sidewalk. Naturally, I helped myself.

That night Todd and I watched the movie musical Rent. I have always loved Rent. I had the opportunity to see it live in San Francisco in October of last year and it was one of the greatest experiences of my life. The movie is wonderful, but the actual stage musical is truly breathtaking. The message of this beautiful work of art is moving and meaningful no matter who you are or what your background is. When Roger held Mimi in his arms as she lay dying and sang the song “Your Eyes,” Todd and I both cried. It was a special moment of tender emotion that we were able to share together and that I will never forget.

People often say that ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder,’ and I say that the most liberating thing about beauty is realizing that you are the beholder. This empowers us to find beauty in places where others have not dared to look, including inside ourselves. ~Salma Hayek

March 21, 2010

Roller Coaster

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 10:25 pm by eddejae

Today I rode a roller coaster of emotions…

I woke up screaming again from yet another nightmare. They feel so real…

I looked in the mirror this morning and was content with what I saw. I put on my red heels…

At church, I felt self-conscious, like all eyes were on me. I considered diving underneath the pew…

The children sang. The sounds of their voices filled me with happiness. I wanted to hug everyone of them. I wished I could hug every child in the world and tell him or her “I love you”…

I connected with close friends at church…

My sister got mad at me for taking my mother’s attention. She still holds a lot of resentment because of things she’s had to see me go through, and for what I put my parents through. She has built up walls to protect herself. I don’t know how to break through them…

When I got home, I hugged my stuffed frog and cried…

I went to a family gathering. Afterwards, I started to feel very overwhelmed…

I looked in the mirror again, and this time I was disgusted with what I saw…

I felt like setting something on fire…

Or driving dangerously fast with my music blasting…

Instead, I decided to eat my feelings…

I tried watching a movie, and was so disturbed by one of the  scenes that I threw the remote at my brother and bolted from the room…

I feel bad about it.

My dad came upstairs to my room to make sure I was ok…

I am alone in my room, listening to Jeff Buckley’s “Hallelujah.” It is calming, like when my dad used to sing “Kumbayah” to me when I was a little girl…

I am ready for this roller coaster to end now. …

I pray the nightmares won’t come back…

And it’s not a cry that you hear at night

It’s not somebody who’s seen the light

It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah…

Hallelujah…

Hal…le…lu…