June 22, 2010

Love by Roy Croft

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , , at 12:37 am by eddejae

*Dedicated to my sweetheart*

I love you
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am
When I am with you.

I love you,
Not only for what
You have made of yourself,
But for what
You are making of me.

I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out;

I love you
For putting your hand
Into my heaped-up heart
And passing over
All the foolish, weak things
That you can’t help
Dimly seeing there,

And for drawing out
Into the light
All the beautiful belongings
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find

I love you because you
Are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern
But a temple.

Out of the works
Of my every day
Not a reproach
But a song.

I love you
Because you have done
More than any creed
Could have done
To make me good.
And more than any fate
Could have done
To make me happy.

You have done it
Without a touch,
Without a word,
Without a sign.

You have done it
By being yourself.
Perhaps that is what
Being a friend means,
After all.

June 2, 2010

Lonely Wing

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , at 11:55 am by eddejae

A few nights ago, Todd and I stumbled upon an art gallery. Though I am not particularly gifted in the visual arts department (that is my mother’s strong point, not mine), I was raised with a deep appreciation for art and have a nostalgia for art galleries in general. So, naturally, upon spotting a gallery tucked away amongst antique stores and candy shoppes, I grabbed Todd by the shirt and dragged him through the door.

One painting in particular stood out to me – it evoked strong emotion and seemed to hold a deeper meaning that I couldn’t identify right then –  and I simply had to take a picture of it. Unfortunately I failed to take note of the painting’s title and maker, and my phone camera is of dismal low quality, but hopefully you get the idea.

I believe there are different ways you could interpret this depending on your point of view. It could be very sad… This poor angel has lost a wing and can no longer fly, so she hangs her head low in despair.

Or, she bows her head in prayer in humble recognition that she cannot go further on her own, that she requires divine help…

Or, perhaps, help from another angel…

Yesterday, a wonderful friend of mine sent me the following quote:

We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another.  ~Luciano de Crescenzo

Perhaps this angel girl is simply waiting for a friend. A friend who is also broken, also with just one wing, who can embrace her and together soar to great heights.

Perspective…

Can be everything.

February 27, 2010

Head in the Clouds

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , at 9:53 pm by eddejae

Today was rather odd. For most of the day I felt like I was walking around in a dream and I was going to wake up any moment… Almost like I never really woke up this morning. Nothing felt “real” and I kept spacing out. I kind of had this ache in the pit of my stomach that didn’t feel like my normal anxious/panicked feeling. It was more like a melancholy mixed with nausea, and my thought patterns and mood were just kind of “out there.” I don’t know if it was my medication, or just a side effect of the flu I’m still fighting, or what.

That achy feeling wouldn’t go away, and it was making me really uncomfortable, so my mind went automatically to somehow numbing it. I considered binging but I decided to play the piano instead. To my surprise, it actually helped quite a bit and that surreal, spacey, achy feeling subsided. I was glad I was able to use my music as a coping skill instead of going downhill again.

I also got rid of a big stressor that has been hanging over me for a while. This guy who has been interested in me for a few months now has been putting pressure on me to be in a relationship. A few weeks ago I told him I needed some time away from talking/texting (I needed time away from everyone, as a matter of fact… took a “social hiatus” if you will). He was still pretty persistent though in trying to contact me, to my annoyance. Well today he wrote me this long letter about how much he wants to be with me and will wait until I’m ready… blah blah blah… I mean, he’s a nice guy and everything… But I’m just not interested in him romantically and, in fact, I’m not ready for any kind of relationship with anyone right now. Dating is the last thing on my mind.

Well, I was pretty proud of how I handled the situation. I’ve been working with my therapist on setting healthy boundaries with others. So instead of being afraid to be honest, and allowing him continue to put that pressure on me, this is what I said:

I need to be honest with you about everything. I really needed this time “away” to regain a sense of self and figure things out. One of the things I realized is that I’m nowhere near being ready for any kind of relationship, and probably won’t be for a while. I’d hate for you to wait around for me, because I really can’t promise anything. I’m not even sure that when the time comes that I actually do want a relationship, I will be interested in you as anything more than a friend. I’ve changed a lot and “moved on” in a lot of ways, and it’s just not something that I think I want anymore.

I’m sorry if any of this hurts you. I just needed to tell you the truth. I do want to stay good friends though. You are a great person and I appreciate you being there for me through the tough times. Good luck with everything. I’ll talk to you later.

That’s it. No excuses, no beating around the bush… Just sweet and to the point. What a relief! So even though I didn’t really feel that great today, I still had two victories. And that made the day worth living.