June 2, 2010

Lonely Wing

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , at 11:55 am by eddejae

A few nights ago, Todd and I stumbled upon an art gallery. Though I am not particularly gifted in the visual arts department (that is my mother’s strong point, not mine), I was raised with a deep appreciation for art and have a nostalgia for art galleries in general. So, naturally, upon spotting a gallery tucked away amongst antique stores and candy shoppes, I grabbed Todd by the shirt and dragged him through the door.

One painting in particular stood out to me – it evoked strong emotion and seemed to hold a deeper meaning that I couldn’t identify right then –  and I simply had to take a picture of it. Unfortunately I failed to take note of the painting’s title and maker, and my phone camera is of dismal low quality, but hopefully you get the idea.

I believe there are different ways you could interpret this depending on your point of view. It could be very sad… This poor angel has lost a wing and can no longer fly, so she hangs her head low in despair.

Or, she bows her head in prayer in humble recognition that she cannot go further on her own, that she requires divine help…

Or, perhaps, help from another angel…

Yesterday, a wonderful friend of mine sent me the following quote:

We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another.  ~Luciano de Crescenzo

Perhaps this angel girl is simply waiting for a friend. A friend who is also broken, also with just one wing, who can embrace her and together soar to great heights.

Perspective…

Can be everything.

May 31, 2010

Ordinary Day

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 11:56 pm by eddejae

*Dedicated to Lydia… Thank you my dear friend :)*

This is just an ordinary day
Wipe the insecurities away
I can see that the darkness will erode
Looking out the corner of my eye
I can see that the sunshine will explode
Far across the desert in the sky

Beautiful girl
Won’t you be my inspiration?
Beautiful girl
Don’t you throw your love around
What in the world, what in the world
Could ever come between us?
Beautiful girl, beautiful girl
I’ll never let you down
Won’t let you down

This is the beginning of your day
Life is more intricate than it seems
Always be yourself along the way
Living through the spirit of your dreams

Beautiful girl
Won’t you be my inspiration?
Beautiful girl
Don’t you throw your love around
What in the world, what in the world
Could ever come between us?
Beautiful girl, beautiful girl
I’ll never let you down
Won’t let you down
Down, down…

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a child of God.  Your playing small does not serve the world.  There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.  We are all meant to shine, as children do.  We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.  It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.  And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.  ~Marianne Williamson

A true friend is not only there for us, but also teaches us how to be there for ourselves. ~Me… 🙂

April 16, 2010

Psych Ward ~ Conclusion

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , , , , , , at 9:14 pm by eddejae

Sigh.

I had to let that all out and put it away to rest forever.

I will never forget it, but I have put the pain, the anger, and the confusion into something concrete.

And now I can put it away.

Many bad things happened, but some good things as well. I met people I will never forget. Learned lessons I couldn’t learn any other way. Lost part of myself, but found parts of myself I didn’t know existed.

Ultimately, I grew from these experiences.

I’ll take the good, and leave the bad.

I’ll never forget the friends I made.

I still pray for them.

I will always remember what they taught me about love, about life, about myself.

And that’s what I will keep.

“They were not perfect, but they were my friends. Some I’ve seen… Some, never again. But there isn’t a day my heart doesn’t find them.” ~Susanna, Girl Interrupted


Psych Ward ~ Part 3

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , at 7:57 pm by eddejae

WARNING: This series of blogs is  very blunt. A bit gutsy. A little angry. Extremely cathartic. Possibly offensive to some, as I don’t plan to censor any language. I apologize ahead of time.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 2009

I’m so glad I stayed another day. I just found out I’m going home at 10AM!!!!!!!!!!! If I hadn’t stayed, I wouldn’t have had some of the amazing conversations I’ve had or made the friends that I did. It really was a blessing disguise. I have learned from every single person I’ve come in contact with here:

“Dallas” Cole AKA N-Dogg: 81-year-old man. Mormon. Very sweet. Sang “I Am a Child of God” in group once. Recited a poem that went: “How green is the grass, How green is the grass, Alas, Alas, And how blue is the sky!” Did I mention SWEET?!

Dr. Roman: Dude didn’t recognize me today! When he came to tell me that I could go home, he yelled down the hall “Edde?!” but was standing right in front of me. I was like, “Ummm, I’m right here!” He did a double take, “You’re not Edde.” “Yes, I am!” “Then there are two Eddes here.” “No! Just me! I”m just not wearing black, my hair is back, I’m wearing some make-up and a hat!” “Take your hat off and let me see your wrist band.” “I’m ME, I SWEAR!” He was making me doubt myself, or rather, doubt who the crazy one was! I swear he’s in the mafia. Or a serial killer. Something.

Shelly AKA My Angel: 20 years old, angelic and innocent girl with a nerve problem so she can’t sit down for long and walks with her hands posed in front of her like a China doll. She is beautiful and her spirit shines through her broken body. She loves to sing and her favorite song that she knows ALL the lyrics to is “My Heart Will Go On” from Titanic. I woke up one morning to her singing in the hallway. It was so cute. She calls me Barbie Doll and is always asking how old I am and what my disorder is. Once in a while she will come up with a sarcastic comment so seemingly out-of-character it is adorable. Her mom visits her every day and she says she wants to live with her parents forever.

Sergei: Russian dude. My buddy. He has social anxiety and kind of looks to the side of you and not directly in the eye unless you make him smile or laugh. He likes to sit in the rocking chair and rock back and forth. At first he would always sit outside of the group by himself, but I started sitting by him and talking to him and he eventually started participating, even commenting once in a while. He is way cool and so sweet. His whole family lives in Moscow and he goes to [nearby college]. They don’t know he’s here and he doesn’t get any visitors. He is one of my favorite people ever! I like to tease him a bit, like when he leaves the room I will say “Where ya goin Sergei? You’re breakin my heart!”

Psych Ward ~ Part 2

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , , at 7:55 pm by eddejae

WARNING: This series of blogs is very blunt. A bit gutsy. A little angry. Extremely cathartic. Possibly offensive to some, as I don’t plan to censor any language. I apologize ahead of time.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 19, 2009

Trying to write a little bigger today. This skinny slip of a pen makes my hand cramp up. Woke up at 5AM with a migraine, and all they could give me was Tylenol. I might as well take a sugar pill. I was soooo hungry and breakfast tasted soooo good. (I think my Selexa is kicking in because I’m feeling way too happy right now – a teensy bit manic?) Last night my parents brought me a shirt that says “Music is my world.” I miss music (and I miss playing in the band with Hal and dressing up like a rocker chick.)

No matter where I go or what place I find myself in, God has a way of trying to reach out to me. I’m sitting here in community meeting and the 81 year old man, Dallas Cole, broke out in “I Am a Child of God.” The whole room went silent. I’ve lost a lot of my ability to feel, but I felt something in my heart when he sang. He is so sweet and innocent.

This morning one of the staff was trying to get Shelly to walk without holding her hands stiffly in front of her. So Dallas Cole walked back and forth down the halls with her, encouraging her to swing her arms as she walked. He was so into trying to help her, he was so attentive, it was the most adorable thing ever!

Best quotes of today:

“You’re my angel” ~Shelly, to me.

“You look like a Barbie doll” ~ Shelly and Michelle, to which Joweli piped up “Ya you do. I know cuz I used to work at Toys R Us!”

“You could totally be on America’s Next Top Model. Size 6? You’re perfect!” ~Michelle

“You look like an Abercrombie model” ~Shelly

… This people are OBVIOUSLY off their rockers!!!!

“I missed you. I didn’t even know what I was missing before you came. Then I realized. I was missing an Edde.” ~Heather

“I love you Edde. You’re my little sister.” ~Heather

“Hats make you more confident” ~Michelle

“Your dad is a stunning man. He looks like Brad Pitt.” ~Heather

“How would you like her for your stepmom?” ~Joweli, pointing at Heather. HAHAHA!

Best one of all… “You would be PERFECT for my son!” ~Tina, my roommate.

[Thursday evening] What a roller coaster of a day! Woke up with a migraine… Um I think I already wrote about this. I swear I’m ADD. But everything changed at lunch time. I ate two pieces of delicious apple pie and two cups of coffee. I sat with Sergei, Tina, and Heather. I made everyone laugh when my ranch packet burst open and all the ranch landed “kerplop” in my coffee! Then we had some great conversation and Heather and I sang showtunes outside. We harmonized and sounded really good! At lunch she looked at my chest and said, “Those CAN’T be real!” HA! “But don’t worry, I’m a FLAMING heterosexual!” HAHA! After lunch I played the dot game with Joweli, who turns out is an awesome dude! Bonnie [my social worker] came in at about 1:30 and told me my parents were here demanding I go with them. That’s originally what I wanted, but for some reason my attitude had changed and I realized that I was actually enjoying myself and the people here! Whoa. Plus Dr. Roman said that if I left AMA (Against Medical Advice) he wouldn’t give me a prescription and there may be complications with insurance. So I decided to stay here and I’m very happy with my decision. I’m in Process Group right now talking about time management – something I really need to work on when I leave here.

April 6, 2010

Cleaning Up the Mess

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , , , , , , at 7:17 pm by eddejae

“A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself.” ~Jim Morrison

Last week I had particularly upsetting experience with a so-called “friend” who, after being rejected in the potential-for-romance department, ripped off the “I’m such a nice, caring guy” mask and revealed himself to be a self-centered, arrogant, and back-stabbing jerk.

Well, it happened again. Different guy, similar situation. Thankfully I wasn’t cussed out or called names this time, but his main complaint was that I only engaged in “small talk” with him and wouldn’t divulge all of my thoughts and feelings to him on a continual basis. He was puzzled by the fact that I had become “distanced.” He kept asking over and over again when we were going to hang out, why I had stopped talking to him on a regular basis, and I kept making excuses and avoiding until the truth finally came out.

Unfortunately, similar to the previous guy, he got to know me during a period where I took masks on and off as quickly and easily as I did tying and untying my shoelaces. The girl they knew was a personality specifically formed for them, who made them feel like they were her best friend in the entire world. Desperate to somehow alleviate the deep loneliness inside, I recklessly formed relationships with anyone and everyone and clung to each of them as an ultimately futile way of forming an identity.

I gravitated towards unhealthy individuals who tolerated my lack of boundaries and enjoyed their egos stroked. As I am becoming more integrated and unveiling my “true self” underneath the layers of false identities, I find myself drifting away from these people, seeing them for who they are. There are certain people I simply do not wish to have in my life anymore. They only serve to bring me down, and out of respect for myself and commitment to my recovery, I cannot allow them back in. I am now reaping the consequences of what BPD led to me to do and attempting to clean up the mess, if you will. It has not been easy or fun.

However, this time around, I was stronger. Even though, in the end, this guy “disowned” me as a friend simply because I was honest about my illness and straightforward regarding my new boundaries (which he refused to accept), I simply wasn’t as upset as the last time. I didn’t cry myself to sleep or have urges to self harm, which I was so relieved about. It just didn’t seem to be as emotionally devastating this time around, probably because I have gradually gained a better grasp my personal “Bill of Rights” (see March 28th post) and my definition of the title “friend.” In my world, a friend is someone who allows you to be yourself at all times, accepts you with all your weaknesses and imperfections,  doesn’t expect to “get” something from you, and respects (even loves) your boundaries.  To me, that is a true friend.

Anyone less than that is merely a poser, an abuser (heaven forbid), or simply someone who lacks the emotional maturity or skills to engage wholesome relationships with others.

After this experience I was overcome by a fit of “social spring cleaning” – I purged my Facebook friends list, going from 693 friends to 211. Most of those I deleted 1) I never talk to anyways; 2) probably don’t even remember who I am; or 3) have played a negative part in my life. All that remain are my family members, fellow church-goers, and my REAL friends. It was a cleansing process for me, and proof that you can take a distressing situation and use it for a good end. (*NOTE: I am not referring to the Facebook profile connected to this blog, which is merely for networking and advocacy purposes; rather, I’m referring to my personal Facebook page.*)

Speaking of Facebook… Why oh why did I have to be introduced to those horribly addictive Mindjolt games? Talk about time suck! In fact, I think I’m getting carpal tunnel playing that stupifying “Bouncing Ball” game. MindJOLT?? More like MindNUMB!!

I’ve been in a strange mood today – a little laissez-faire with a splash of awkward goofiness. I can’t say I’ve been particularly productive, but I haven’t been especially bored either. The day has flown by, but I can’t really tell you anything that I did! Am I having a brain lapse? Probably.

Lastly, I watched the movie “Girl, Interrupted” last night. My many and varied thoughts on it tomorrow… I reached the peak of my brownie-sundae-explosion-induced sugar high about five minutes ago and I will now be experiencing a crash in 3… 2… 1….