July 3, 2010

Seven Days of Sunset ~ Day 7… Closing Words: Part 2…

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 2:04 pm by eddejae

When you hold on to your past, you impede your progress.

The greatest thing you can do for yourself is to forgive yourself and to let go so you can move forward. This often the hardest and last step. It was for me.

Ultimately, you make the choice of how you want your life to be. No matter what has happened in your past, you can change your life. Make the decision. Right now. Decide to take responsibility from this moment on for who you become.

Start where you are. This moment. Stop waiting for a miracle.

I realized it wasn’t God that was punishing me. I was punishing myself for things that had happened and things I had no control over. At least not anymore. Living in the past does nothing. So I let it go and chose to begin a new chapter.

I gave myself the power back. I took the power away from my past, from my mistakes, from my abusers, from depression, from BPD, and gave it back to myself. I chose to rise above. When you accept what has happened and relinquish yourself from undeserved blame and guilt, while taking appropriate responsibility for your actions – you become empowered again. You are able to let go of the burdens of the past. You are able to forgive yourself and move forward.

This is what happened for me, after years and years of blaming myself, of striving for unattainable perfection, of feeling guilty for everything I did.

Now I am moving on. Putting my past behind me, only taking what I have learned so that I may use it to bless my life and those around me.

I can allow myself to be happy now. To live, freely.

I can be me.

Perfectly imperfect.

Day by day, step by step, I’ve become a little more unbroken.

And though sometimes I fall… I’m forever falling forward…

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July 2, 2010

Seven Days of Sunset ~Day 7… Scars…

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 9:53 am by eddejae

A really strong woman accepts the war she went through and is ennobled by her scars. ~Carly Simon

I remember one morning, about two and half months ago, that I stood in front of my closet staring at the long row of twenty-something sweatshirts. Even though the the weather was starting to get warmer, calling for shorter sleeves, until that day I had refused to show my arms because of my many scars. I was ashamed of them, not wanting to be stared at or judged. I was deathly afraid of being asked questions and hated feeling self-conscious. Hardly anyone in my life knew I was a cutter, and the scars were too deep to use  the “cat-scratch” excuse. So I used the easy way out and just pretended I was cold-blooded.

However, something changed that morning. For the first time, I didn’t care what other people thought of me. I had finally gotten to the point in my recovery where I was open enough to accept myself with my flaws and let people think what they may. Perhaps it might even give someone else the courage to not be ashamed of their battle wounds either. I made the decision that morning to love my scars. I closed my closet, walked over to my chest of drawers, and pulled out a t-shirt. That day, I walked around with bare arms, my struggle with depression and BPD exposed to the world. Sure, I got a couple of glances, I was a bit uncomfortable, but in the end… I was ok. No one asked any questions. I didn’t break down. I didn’t panic. The world didn’t end. I was fine. And everyone else was fine. I was just me.

Perfectly imperfect me.

Now, my scars have faded quite a bit, but they’re still there. I’m getting married tomorrow. They’re not that noticeable anymore, but I will still have to use some cover-up for pictures. But I’m fine with that. To me, they are just indicators of where I have been and the things I have overcome. They are my battle wounds…markers that I have fought… And that I have won. That I am a warrior. The most important scars are the ones you don’t see… The emotional scars. And I am happy and relieved to say that those have been healed. Through therapy, time, commitment, and love… Those have been healed. And that’s all that truly matters. It IS possible. I can testify of that.

Healing is possible.

Hope is real.

Love is attainable.

Believe in yourself…

Keep fighting your battles.

And be proud of your scars.

They mean you’re strong enough to survive it all.

July 1, 2010

Seven Days of Sunset ~Day 6… No Day But Today…

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , , , at 9:54 pm by eddejae

This is the ending scene from the movie version of the musical Rent, one of my very favorites. The music and the message is profound and moving…

There’s only us

There’s only this

Forget regret

Or life is yours to miss

No other road

No other way

No day but today…

There’s only now

There’s only here

Give in to love

Or live in fear

No other pay

No other way

No day but today…

This has been the sixth day of sunset…

Seven Days of Sunset ~Day 6… Soldier’s Daughter…

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , , , at 8:56 pm by eddejae

I will never forget the night that Todd, my fiancee, played this song for me. I believe it was his way of communicating his acceptance and understanding of me and the pain that I had held inside for so long and was working so hard to let go of…By sharing this song with me, he acknowledged my past full of heartache, my complex emotional life, and my deep need for those parts of me to be recognized and loved.

I will always be grateful for that gift, and I now share it with my readers in hopes that you will may feel perhaps just a little bit understood too. That you may know you’re not alone.

It’s the way he looks at you
That says to me
This isn’t over
From the outside looking in
You see there’s nothing sacred here
Nothing sacred
You can bend
But you can’t break
For the reasons out of our control
You try to make it roll
Like a dice away
But you say that you’re all empowered here
This is obviously not clear enough
To me
You can bend
But you can’t break
Hey little girl keep dancing
Hey little girl keep dancing alone
‘Cause there’s not enough time in your day
To keep you here
The soldier’s daughter
Did your daddy
Did your daddy hurt you
Did he make you feel bad
Did he poison your views
With the water he was raised on
Oh your father’s son says hang on
Hang on
Hey little girl
Keep dancing
Hey little girl
Keep dancing alone
‘Cause there’s not enough time in your life
To stay here
So over the hills he’d climb
Just to see her there in time
Just to watch the sun shine through her dress
The sweet soldier’s daughter
The sweet soldier’s daughter

Seven Days of Sunset ~ Day 5…

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , , , at 7:52 pm by eddejae

I have no never-again, I have no always. In the sand
Victory abandoned its footprints.
I am a poor man willing to love his fellow men.
I don’t know who you are. I love you. I don’t give away thorns, and I don’t sell them.

Maybe someone will know that I didn’t weave crowns
to draw blood; that I fought against mockery;
that I did fill the high tide of my soul with truth. I repaid vileness with doves.

I have no never, because I was different–
Was, am will be. And in the name
Of my ever-changing love I proclaim a purity.

Death is only the stone of oblivion.
I love you, on your lips I kiss happiness itself.
Let’s gather firewood. We’ll light a fire on the mountain.

~Pablo Neruda

This has been the fifth day of sunset…

June 29, 2010

Seven Days of Sunset ~ Day 3…Inner Quiet…

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , , , , , at 1:47 am by eddejae

As the days pass, I am surprised to find that no words are coming…

A surprising lack of emotional outpouring.

It seems perhaps I have said all I have needed to say.

If not here, in other places.

Perhaps, this place has served its full purpose…

And these last few days are for me to reflect, to offer my last thoughts of hope, of encouragement, of love…

There are some things I wrote that I never published which I most likely will in the next few days.

But as far as new content, there really is not much more for me to say about my past, about my demons, about those things that killed me inside for so long.

It’s almost time for me to say goodbye.

A bittersweet farewell to be sure…

This has been the third day of sunset…

June 22, 2010

Love by Roy Croft

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , , at 12:37 am by eddejae

*Dedicated to my sweetheart*

I love you
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am
When I am with you.

I love you,
Not only for what
You have made of yourself,
But for what
You are making of me.

I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out;

I love you
For putting your hand
Into my heaped-up heart
And passing over
All the foolish, weak things
That you can’t help
Dimly seeing there,

And for drawing out
Into the light
All the beautiful belongings
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find

I love you because you
Are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern
But a temple.

Out of the works
Of my every day
Not a reproach
But a song.

I love you
Because you have done
More than any creed
Could have done
To make me good.
And more than any fate
Could have done
To make me happy.

You have done it
Without a touch,
Without a word,
Without a sign.

You have done it
By being yourself.
Perhaps that is what
Being a friend means,
After all.

May 31, 2010

Ordinary Day

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 11:56 pm by eddejae

*Dedicated to Lydia… Thank you my dear friend :)*

This is just an ordinary day
Wipe the insecurities away
I can see that the darkness will erode
Looking out the corner of my eye
I can see that the sunshine will explode
Far across the desert in the sky

Beautiful girl
Won’t you be my inspiration?
Beautiful girl
Don’t you throw your love around
What in the world, what in the world
Could ever come between us?
Beautiful girl, beautiful girl
I’ll never let you down
Won’t let you down

This is the beginning of your day
Life is more intricate than it seems
Always be yourself along the way
Living through the spirit of your dreams

Beautiful girl
Won’t you be my inspiration?
Beautiful girl
Don’t you throw your love around
What in the world, what in the world
Could ever come between us?
Beautiful girl, beautiful girl
I’ll never let you down
Won’t let you down
Down, down…

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a child of God.  Your playing small does not serve the world.  There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.  We are all meant to shine, as children do.  We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.  It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.  And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.  ~Marianne Williamson

A true friend is not only there for us, but also teaches us how to be there for ourselves. ~Me… 🙂

May 14, 2010

Emotional Color

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 12:01 pm by eddejae

You are my sunshine on a cloudy day.

You make every day worth living.

You give it meaning and vibrance.

You make me excited for every new day.

Life is so full of emotional color.

You make me feel color.

When you’re happy…

I feel vibrant yellows when you smile.

You make my heart feel like a soothing, calm blue.

When you’re sad…

I feel a beautiful shade of grey that fades into a relaxing white as we work through it,

And when we are done talking it out I close my eyes and feel the stillness of the

Darkest night with the beautiful stars in my heart.

~Todd

May 11, 2010

The Broken Road

Posted in recovery tagged , , , , , , , , at 11:46 pm by eddejae

For me, this song has more than one meaning. Not only is it about finding true love after a series of disappointments… It’s also about coming to a point in your life where you look back and realize that everything you have gone through has made you the person you are today…

And that you wouldn’t change who that person is for the world.

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn’t see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I’d like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You’ve been there you understand
It’s all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Now I’m just rolling home
Into my lover’s arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.

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