March 16, 2010
Today I decided to be extra nice to myself… Not something I’m accustomed to doing! I was in a picture-taking mood so I decided to photo-document my day.
I took a long, relaxing shower. After days of not being able to smell anything due to my cold (which I am finally recovering from!), I reveled in the delicious fragrance of my cherry-almond body wash.
I painted my toenails my favorite color (a bit sloppily lol).
I played with my kitten, Fiyero. Next to socks, suspenders are his favorite play-thing. I call him “Bionic Kitty” because he will jump at least five feet from the ground to catch a dangling sock.
I took an invigorating walk in the sunshine. Here are some of the things I saw:
This is my pet lily that I originally grew on top of the fireplace and is now on the porch enjoying the fresh air. My other cat, Oliver, just happened to be in the shot. I thought it was cute. (Don’t worry, I only have two cats… I’m not a crazy cat lady… YET. Lol)
I played the piano today.
And finally picked up my guitar that’s been sitting around for almost a year, and learned four chords: A, E, D, and G. I hear if I keep this up my fingers will blister…
I bought myself Odwalla Superfood Juice. Yes, it’s green. I know, sounds nasty, but it’s delicious… and REALLY good for you.
And I watched one of my all-time favorite movies, Juno.
So that’s how I took care of my body, mind, and spirit today. Go me! Ha 😛
February 27, 2010
Today was rather odd. For most of the day I felt like I was walking around in a dream and I was going to wake up any moment… Almost like I never really woke up this morning. Nothing felt “real” and I kept spacing out. I kind of had this ache in the pit of my stomach that didn’t feel like my normal anxious/panicked feeling. It was more like a melancholy mixed with nausea, and my thought patterns and mood were just kind of “out there.” I don’t know if it was my medication, or just a side effect of the flu I’m still fighting, or what.
That achy feeling wouldn’t go away, and it was making me really uncomfortable, so my mind went automatically to somehow numbing it. I considered binging but I decided to play the piano instead. To my surprise, it actually helped quite a bit and that surreal, spacey, achy feeling subsided. I was glad I was able to use my music as a coping skill instead of going downhill again.
I also got rid of a big stressor that has been hanging over me for a while. This guy who has been interested in me for a few months now has been putting pressure on me to be in a relationship. A few weeks ago I told him I needed some time away from talking/texting (I needed time away from everyone, as a matter of fact… took a “social hiatus” if you will). He was still pretty persistent though in trying to contact me, to my annoyance. Well today he wrote me this long letter about how much he wants to be with me and will wait until I’m ready… blah blah blah… I mean, he’s a nice guy and everything… But I’m just not interested in him romantically and, in fact, I’m not ready for any kind of relationship with anyone right now. Dating is the last thing on my mind.
Well, I was pretty proud of how I handled the situation. I’ve been working with my therapist on setting healthy boundaries with others. So instead of being afraid to be honest, and allowing him continue to put that pressure on me, this is what I said:
I need to be honest with you about everything. I really needed this time “away” to regain a sense of self and figure things out. One of the things I realized is that I’m nowhere near being ready for any kind of relationship, and probably won’t be for a while. I’d hate for you to wait around for me, because I really can’t promise anything. I’m not even sure that when the time comes that I actually do want a relationship, I will be interested in you as anything more than a friend. I’ve changed a lot and “moved on” in a lot of ways, and it’s just not something that I think I want anymore.
I’m sorry if any of this hurts you. I just needed to tell you the truth. I do want to stay good friends though. You are a great person and I appreciate you being there for me through the tough times. Good luck with everything. I’ll talk to you later.
That’s it. No excuses, no beating around the bush… Just sweet and to the point. What a relief! So even though I didn’t really feel that great today, I still had two victories. And that made the day worth living.
February 24, 2010
Today is a brand new day with brand new goals! I have to say, I’m pretty excited to start the program I’ve created for myself. The two over-arching goals that I will be constantly working on, even as I master other goals, are:
1) Stick to exercise and nutrition program to achieve weight loss goal and maintain a healthy lifestyle.
- Start with 30-min cardio/day and work up to 60 min cardio, 5 days a week.
- Gradually incorporate strength training 2 times a week and stretching every day.
- Eat 1,200-1,400 calories/day – high protein, complex carbohydrates
- Cut out any excess sugar and caffeine.
- Weigh myself once a week to track my progress.
2) Attend weekly therapy sessions and work on applying skills discussed.
- Journal what is discussed during therapy
- Identify skills I need to work on and set up a plan of action with therapist
The other three goals I will be working on now are:
3) Daily scripture study and prayer, and weekly church attendance.
4) Reading assigned therapy materials.
- Read at least a chapter a day in one of the books I’m reading and take notes
5) Practice my piano and singing.
- Practice piano at least 30 min every day
- Do some amount of vocal exercises every day
And, of course, blogging every day 🙂
I think my medication is finally starting to take effect… The last few days I’ve had a lot more mental and physical energy than I’ve had in a long time. I’m currently on Seroquel (an anti-psychotic) and Lexapro (anti-depressant). The Seroquel still makes me sleep 11-12 hours a night, but I’m a lot less sleepy during the day. I’ve also noticed less obsessive thoughts and mood swings. My uncontrollable urges to cut myself or overdose have also left almost completely. After trying so many medications that either made me a zombie or made me suicidal, it’s such a relief to finally be on something that seems to be working for me.
I still struggle with urges to binge, but I’m hoping that by sticking to a healthy eating and exercise program, that will decrease as well. Also, since my binging or restricting urges are usually a way for me to escape or distract myself from emotional stress, I’m working on turning to other outlets when I’m feeling triggered. That’s where my 3 goals come in… Practicing my music is a huge emotional release for me, and nourishing my faith and continuing to learn from my therapy books will keep me motivated to choose healthy coping skills.
I will be honest… I’ve never been good at sticking to things or keeping promises to myself. But I know without a doubt that if I don’t stay committed to my goals and to my recovery, I will never have a fulfilling life. It will just be the cycle of depression and self-destructive behaviors, over and over again. I’ve gotten to the point where I can’t accept that anymore. I know what kind of life I want, and I will do whatever it takes to get there. For the first time in my life, I feel truly committed to something. Sure, I may make mistakes … It’s kind of inevitable… But as long as I “fall foward,” and pick myself up again and again, there is no way I can truly fail. I will make it, step by step…